I just finished a Reader’s Digest article on plane travel. I mean, why not? I’ve been sick. Anything had to be better than “Unique Green Drink Is Turning Seniors into ‘Young Bucks'” or Anna Kendrick’s kidney stones. I admit I was vaguely interested in how much NFL cheerleaders make, despite the fact that my cheerleading bird has flown into extinction. I am almost certain the NFL will not be calling, although I should note that 97-year-old Iris Apfel has apparently landed a modeling contract. Dare to dream, I say. Why not me, NFL? But getting back on track, I am practiced at comfortably defying death in long, pressurized metal tubes. So here are Jocelyn’s observations and recommendations for plane travel.
Note the outer layer of a black shawl which can double as a blanket.
1) You care what people think? Dress like you are going to yoga class. No complicated shoes unless you are TSA pre-approved, have CLEAR or know some other way to cut the line.
2) You don’t care what people think? Go with Walmart sweats. If you are worried about the possible too-hot plane, put a t-shirt below. You can always whip off that sweatshirt. More expensive sweatshirts are allowed, but keep in mind that you may end up wearing Little Jimmie’s Coke or the sandwich mom packed him for lunch. It’s an AIRPLANE. It’s an AIRPORT. Ooh, yuck, gross. You want wearable clothes that you will not miss if their next destination is a trash can.
3) Do you absolutely need that carry-on? Then consider paying the stupid fee for the premium seat that allows you early boarding, especially if you must make a connecting flight. Most of the time, though, you will get your carry-on sandwiched in there somewhere. Tip for small women: It doesn’t hurt to take a few moments to assess the situation as you attempt to stow that carry-on. Then go from a seat arm, to a seat back, to the actual storage space. Don’t rush. The odds are good some helpful guy will rescue you. They almost always rescue me. Maybe its because I make it look like I am trying to climb Everest and am doubtful of my oxygen supply.
(My Star Wars backpack is a bit big but just fits my laptop and can hold enough clothing and sundries for a long week-end.)
4) Your bag for under the seat in front of you? First rule: Washable, washable, washable. I like dark Kipling backpacks. Second rule: Smaller is better. The Digest article recommends stowing all your stuff overhead. That’s a recipe for boredom and discomfort in my book. You don’t want to open an overhead compartment, pull down a carry-on, and possibly expose your undergarments to the world. You won’t. So you won’t have your headphones or something else you want. If you must do the one bag in the bin, you should pack an over the shoulder bag inside your larger carry-on with headphones, chargers, medication, snack, wallet and extra socks. If you drink a lot of water or carry larger snacks, you may have to put your second bag on the floor, Again, ooh, yuck, gross. But persons with normal hips barely fit in those seats so there’s not much else to do. Keep in mind, smaller bag = more legroom. If you can shrink Bag Two down far enough, the bag may fit in your lap while the tray table still works.
5) Alaska Airlines makes a great fruit and cheese plate. You may have airline favorites. But a water bottle and a Kind bar or pastry can simplify life on longer flights. Especially if you sit in back, flight attendants may run out of those cheese plates. Pastries tend to get squished, but a compacted chocolate croissant tastes fine. One plan: Buy a bag of chocolate-covered nuts before you board. Those nuts are filling. If you never eat them, they make great presents.
6) Hand sanitizer hanging from your bag is a must. Hang a bottle from both bags. You can hang it after you go through security. The inner bag should have a little tube of lotion, too.
7) Ear plugs are cheaper than noise cancelling headphones. (Plane flights can be hard on electronics and I recommend stashing larger devices, especially since electronics are hard to clean.) The right meditation music will blend right in with that plane noise, rain falling gently into the waterfall pool on top of the retrorockets. (Are you still reading?)
8) Is Little Jimmy bouncing off the walls or seatback right next to you? Or making a mess just across the aisle, next to his loudly wailing sister? Again, I recommend earplugs. I also recommend being kind. I guarantee you, little Jimmie’s mom wants off that plane as badly as you do. Her anguish is broadcasting loud and clear to all the telepaths in that plane. But almost nobody can saddle up the horses and ride to grandma’s house today, not in the few vacation days most people are allowed. That plane’s a big bus in the sky, the only mass transit that stops near grandma’s house. If you want to be crazy proactive, you might pack a small Dollar Store coloring book and some crayons. Jimmie’s mom should have done this — but don’t tell me you never had to go to Walmart because you forgot your charger or dental floss.
9) The monster scarf that can double as a shawl or blanket is a sound idea. You should definitely try for a scarf/pseudoblankie that is washable. Cloaks work well, too. The downside to cloaks lies in laundering; many are dry clean only. Cloaks can also make you look like an Obi-Wan Kenobi wannabe. On the other hand, they make unbeatable blankets.
10) The Reader’s Digest article recommends taking off your shoes and just wearing socks. Ummm — well, I can see trying this, although I’d slip my shoes back on before I walked the aisles. I’d also have a few plastic bags with me to store things like those socks for later when I can get my hands on the bleach. You might pick older socks and then just toss them in the garbage in the restroom at the end of the flight.
11) Stuck in the middle seat? Start revisiting that seat a few weeks before your flight. At some point, the airline should free up new seats. If it’s looking grim, consider paying for a premium seat. You’d spend $40 for a delicious dinner, yes? Unless doing a performance art version of life squeezed into a sardine can appeals to you, I suggest throwing a few more dollars at the airline to get a window view or easy access to the aisle. If you know you’ll be in the long, metal tube for four hours or more, I strongly recommend making cost only one factor in whatever flight you choose. Oh, and keep connecting flights in mind. In a time crunch, you might be better off in a middle seat in row 12 instead of the aisle or window seat in row 27.
12) I suggest planning to be at the airport at least 2 hours early. This depends on the airport, but major hubs often have excellent food and shopping. SeaTac Airport remains marvelous to wander, despite the construction, with the Fireworks store is a real favorite of mine. A Dilettante latte with a cup of Anthony’s clam chowder always improves my day. More importantly, on those rare occasions when I have found airports on Red Alert with scary lines snaking down the corridors, extra time has kept my tension level from wrecking the day. It’s easy to start thinking of airports as another ordeal to survive, rather than waystations with good coffee and adventures in book shopping. Getting to the airport early gives you a better chance to appreciate air travel’s charms — before you start to worry about the guy in the cheap fur suit walking around on the wing of your plane.
*Inspiration found at https://www.rd.com/advice/travel/how-to-be-comfortable-on-a-plane/
