I want a Groot bobblehead of my own.
Ahhnnntuhhh guuuhhht uhbbbauhhdvv dohhnn.
All posts in January 2015
Lock this student in the shed at once
Zombie? Not zombie? It’s hard to tell but clearly fine motor skills and judgment are lacking here. What’s the harm in putting the kid in the shed anyway? He or she probably wasn’t doing anything useful in school anyway.
Zombie Phrase for the Day
Some days it is hard not to eat the dog.
Zuhmmmddzzz zzzardd nuhdd eeeddd ahhgg.
Eating Brains
Are you a zombie? Look at the chart above. If you’ve never been able to eat a brain or part of the human viscera, consider yourself safe for the moment. If you’ve cooked and eaten ANY brains or sweetbreads, I’d be concerned. While not all sweetbread eaters are zombies, all zombies are sweetbread eaters. If you just chucked those innards in a frying pan — or went straight to the raw product inside the cranial cavity — it’s time to lock yourself in the shed.
Zombie Phrase for the Day
I hate kale juice.
Ahhhhtttt guhhl dyuhzzzz.
The First Clue
I reread my last few posts, the ones written just before I faded off into the night. The zombie virus seems to creep up slowly on some people. Rereading my posts, I discovered a huge clue.
Remotes can serve as canaries in the undead’s mineshafts. Our remotes are guides to more than a list of programming. Readers, is the remote getting harder to handle? Do buttons take you to places you had not planned to visit? Are you staring mindlessly at turquoise jewelry, Judge Mathis and random Bar Rescues? Are you watching Law and Order because you can’t find that tiny silver box — again — but you finally stumbled on the the TVs “ON” button?
TV can make zombies of us all. TV can also help us to identify humans on viral overload. If your remote has you flummoxed, you need to scour the internet for cures for the zombie virus. Try http://zombieresearchsociety.com/archives/8101, for example.
The truth is out there. Your problem will be sorting through all the misinformation and disinformation in search of that truth, Desperate times call for desperate measures. Drink gallons of kale juice for a few weeks. See what happens. See how you feel. If you don’t get sick of kale juice, you will know something is wrong.
Any nontoxic, potential cure is worth a shot.
Back from the dead
Or at least I think I am. The real question is this: If I think, and therefore am, does that preclude my being a zombie?
This is going to be a challenge. I intend to step back into my old life. Thanks to medical science, (I’m sorry about those guys), a slow thaw, and face paint, I look pretty good. No one would suspect I am a zombie. I believe I can maintain my facade.
Actually, the teaching shortage where I live might render the point moot. Would they even care if they realized I craved the mushy, gray matter between their ears? Would they even notice?
Regular reports should be coming if I can maintain my understanding of this machine. The machines are tricky now. If humans were smarter, they would know they have created too many buttons. I understand vol, ch, guide, and back, but menu is filled with weird words. I do not want to know what is trending and I do not want a multiview. A single view is confusing enough. Humans have two eyes on one side of their head because no one should have more than one view. Other questions plague me. What are the colored A, B and C keys on the remote? Do I need to know? I’m afraid to “go interactive.” How can I “exit to TV” when I never left the TV in the first place?
Too many buttons. Too many buttons. Then more buttons appear on screens. Did I make these choices when I was human? I remember watching TV, so I must have.
I will have to figure out how to use the touchscreens, too. At my body temperature, the screens do not answer me. Maybe I could get a warm jelly machine from the manicure women. I could heat my hands before stroking the little, black box. I need my phone. I need the games. I need to luminosify myself. I can’t brain today. I have the dumb.
I expect I will brain better as I my temperature rises.
Welcome back readers. I am going to go make tea.
