All posts in December 2012

Zombies eat brains. O.K., but we need to ask ourselves another question: What don’t zombies eat? What CAN’T zombies eat? Onions are bad for dogs. This might naturally lead us to a related question: How much onion does it take to poison a zombie?

This could be lots of fun. The idea is to force feed onions to a zombie until we learn the approximate fatal dosage, preferably in grams per kilogram . For our experiment, we will need a number of zombies and a few truly crazed volunteers. We might also need an engineer. I believe we’ll want to create tools so that we can do our force feeding from a distance.

We need multiple zombies because I don’t want to see any schlock science here. Our results need to be repeated before we go public. No half-baked schemes! (Although sauteing the onions is a perfectly viable option.)

After we’re done with onions, we can start on other fruits, vegetables and random canned goods.

I ate my dentist. It was a mistake.

Ahhhdddmuhhdduhndzzz. Duhhzzzahmm dayyke.

So you have to flee and you have to flee fast. In the worst case,  you will need to abandon all your possessions, but with some forethought you may be able to avoid going out emptyhanded.  The above pink case is simply a mistake. You want to keep a phone in case the phones keep working for awhile. You probably don’t need sunglasses. Think about what’s essential.

You  need your hands free. A few superheroes may be able to do without hands, but the rest of us will need something to hold the gun or axe.

I recommend a lightweight backpack. Throw in prescription glasses or contacts, necessary daily medications, some nuts and calorie-dense snacks, water, a small but durable and bright flashlight (Pay up — you can’t be desperately looting Walgreens to find DD batteries!), extra thick socks, weapons, and a good, small paperback. An eyepencil and lipstick won’t add too many ounces. Put in as much water as you can comfortably carry and secure your weapons. Wear this backpack at all times.

Obviously this is a short-term escape plan only, not likely to carry you for more than a day. But that’s a day to find refuge. Keep it light. You may have to run far and fast. You don’t want to have to stop.

Notice this young man taking his pulse. Especially at his age, this action ought to raise all sorts of red flags. What does he know that you don’t? Is he worried that he no longer has a pulse? Is he expecting that pulse to stop?

I would give him the benefit of the doubt, of course. First ask him why he is taking his pulse. Watch his response time as he answers. Watch his expression. Does his explanation make sense?  If he seems confused, your next project will be to carefully lock him into your shed or cellar for a few days. Don’t let him get his teeth near you.

Many films and books deal with the problem of the zombie, but few have properly attacked the problem of the protozombie. You obviously can’t shoot this young man in the head. Maybe he really is suffering from wrist pain, helped by pressure and medical marijuana. At the same time, leaving him to wander away at this point may endanger you and your entire family.

By sequestering this possible protozombie, you can protect your loved ones from harm. If the boy in the shed becomes more lucid, rather than less lucid, over the next few days, you should be able to release him. I’d give him a good math test first, just to make sure the cognitive processes were really working.

P.S. That hole in door for inserting rats and turkey heads? Until our pulse-taker has actually gone over, I’d save the rats for later. Bratwurst and carrots and other long, round foods are the better choice to start. (A small practical note: while the absence of carrot consumption cannot be construed as proof of anything, I’d observe that eating large quantities of things like celery and carrots over the first day or two would probably be enough to convince me to unbolt the door.  Zombies do not eat carrots.)

My favorite condiments is lard.

Mahhvvrihht gahndmuhnndzzz ahhrdd.

Stout. Sturdy. And with a handy hole for rat or turkey head insertion. This is the ideal door, made of layers of thick, solid wood. Now all you need is a cellar.