Boiling water will not work. The backsplash might blister you, but Mr. Zombie will keep on coming. Kitchen tools don’t work unless you are super-coordinated. That cast iron pan? Can you wield it forcefully and actually break a head? Banging Mr. Zombie on the head may not even slow him down much. Zombies already suffer from severe cases of CTE and mostly shrug off concussions. You might consider taking steak knives and going for the eyeballs if you can. There’s brain behind those eyeballs. You could even use a pair of drumsticks and try this eyeball strategy (the ones used with percussion instruments, not the Colonel’s extra crispy) if you are fast, strong and accurate.
The key to killing zombies is always using the right tools. The key to managing COVID-19 may seem less appealing — no drums, no guns, no glory, just a lot of sitting and dog walking, a lot of not getting close to anyone but members of your shelter. Day after day, you duck and cover as much as possible. If you must go into the world, you wear a mask.
Here’s the thing: I begin to read posts from various sources saying that social distancing and masks until 2021 or 2022 is simply too much. I can understand those posts, especially since people can do everything “right” and still somehow pick up this microbe. COVID-19 is remarkably easy to spread, even before symptoms kick in. It floats awhile in the air and rests on hard surfaces for hours or even days. Humans are the real danger, but no one has eliminated that possible vector of hand to surface to face.
This sucker’s a real bastard. It doesn’t cease to be a bastard because you are getting tired of avoiding it. Like a zombie, the coronavirus does not give the rat’s proverbial ass about your feelings. On the simplest of levels, it wants to survive and YOU are food. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing except a tasty breakfast, lunch or dinner. Not everyone gets super sick — many people don’t — but the super sick are leaving ICUs to go to rehab facilities.
A few tools out here kinda sorta work for self-protection. Social distancing is one. When circumstances allow, sheltering in place is another. Washing hands, keeping hands away from the face, and using hand sanitizer help. Those sometimes aggravating masks and gloves can help keep you and others around you safe. You have to avoid touching your exposed face with the gloves, of course.
Hoping to find a handy cast-iron pan in a pinch is no way to survive during the zombie apocalypse. Throwing a big fortieth birthday party because you have been planning that party for a couple of years may be even less smart than the cast-iron pan plan. First and foremost, zombies are incredibly rare. COVID-19 has taken over the world right now. That’s the operational definition of a pandemic.
I sense a weariness in what I am reading, a fierce desire to go back to “normal.” We can’t, guys. We simply can’t. Not yet. Not now. I understand that 2022 sounds absurdly far off in time. But we have to do our best. They don’t have drugs for this microbial zombie yet, nothing with a track record that suggests we are on the other side of the outbreak. A University of Chicago study suggests Resemdivir may be promising, but they are getting less sure about the value of respirators. They don’t quite know what they are doing yet. Research is ongoing and I believe we will get steadily better at COVID-19 management. Some of the many trials and studies will produce useful results. But we can’t give up social distancing now, or put those masks and gloves in the closet or garbage.*
Readers, the latest wave of zombies has been at the gate for months now, but the fact that we are bored with their moans and groans will do nothing to make them go away. Reverting to “normal” will only open the gate.
*And for damn sure we can’t RECYCLE those masks and gloves. Apparently some people have actually thrown their old personal protection equipment in the recycling — speaking of zombies…
P.S. And don’t even think of using Tide Pods, Lysol or bleach — not for zombies. COVID, or anything except cleaning the EXTERIORS of random objects.
Zombie phrase for the day: I should not have eaten the Tide Pods. Ahhhhzzzuhhhhddd dahhhhdah eedehhhhnddd dahhh Dayyyyd Dahhhh.
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