All posts in June 2012

One of the best movie quotes ever: “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

Do you feel lucky? That’s the question and it’s huge — whether you’re Dirty Harry’s prey or some random schmo fleeing the zombie hordes.

It’s also a much more complicated question than we might think from taking a quick pass at it. My luck is not your luck and the amount of risk we will tolerate is a highly individual characteristic. Not only do you need to know IF you feel lucky, you need to know HOW this feeling affects you. In “Dirty Harry,” Harry asks this question twice. The first guy stands down and finds out the gun was empty. He might have been able to get away. The second guy gets quite deservedly shot from close range.

When should you stand down?

With zombies, the question is simple. If you have enough ammunition, fire away and keep firing. It helps to have someone to cover you when you have to reload. If you’re short on ammo, run and save the shots for when there’s no alternative. In non-apocalypse situations, seriously consider standing down. Feeling lucky can keep humans from assessing the real downside of rolling their dice. Ask yourself, what’s the price of losing? That guy who caved before an empty gun probably spent a few years in jail at most. The other guy lost any chances of being in the sequels.

Fear clouds judgement. So does over-confidence. You have to ask yourself: Who are you? Historically, which side of the equation messed you up? If it’s fear, maybe you need to roll the dice more often. If it’s over-confidence, put the dice in your pocket and walk away. Or in blog terms, if it’s fear, maybe you need to buy a bigger gun and get ready to aim at what’s shuffling toward you. If it’s overconfidence, consider putting the axe down and putting on your running shoes instead.

No zombies at the post office. No one on the phone either. Abby yelled at them. She and I agreed that it was actually a pretty nifty system: The phone always gives a busy signal. No one from the outside can reach you. In Stephen King’s book “Cell,” a pulse sent through phones turns people into zombies. With their work phone dismantled, if they never pick up their cells, those people in the post office are 100% safe. They cannot be turned into zombies through phone pulses.

For that matter, they can avoid many other unpleasant tasks, such as dealing with demanding customers, being asked to pick up milk on the way home, and communicating with people in general.

Is it the first sign of the Apocalypse? For over half an hour, the Northbrook Post Office on Dundee has been unreachable. All we get is a “busy signal.” A courageous young girl named Abby is about to go investigate. Updates to follow.

Kill the scariest vampires first.
Always listen to Dr. Van Helsing.
Once people become vampires, they are no longer your friends.
Trying to salvage some relationships can kill you.

Lessons from the Horror of Dracula applied to zombies:

Kill the scariest zombies first.
Always listen to ME.
Once people become zombies, they are no longer your friends.
Trying to salvage some relationships can kill you.

The lessons for various types of the undead are remarkably similar. The critical word in the advice above is “scariest,” of course. We often become trapped in the surface of our lives, using lessons that have become outmoded simply because we have not gone back to reexamine the lessons of our youth. “Scariest” in human terms may be a guy with many tattoos who looks like an angry linebacker. “Scariest” in zombie or vampire terms has little to do with size or conformity to social conventions. It’s easy to underestimate grandma zombies. Anyone with teeth is a risk.The undead can keep coming at you whether they are linebackers, elderly golfers or little league softball players. Like death, undeadness is a great equalizer.

What killed Jonathan Harker? (Go watch the movie if you’re confused.) His compassion for a beautiful woman and his sense of chivalry. Kindness and compassion can be our worst enemy in an undead situation. Some relationships cannot be salvaged.

I’m lost again.

Ahhmm luhhdd gihhnnn.

So many lessons to choose from here…

Don’t explore alien ships. Period.
Never take your cat into space.
Don’t cheap out on lighting when building spacecraft.
Always follow quarantine procedures.

Good advice for dealing with zombies too with a few adaptations.

Don’t explore spooky buildings. Period.
Think very carefully about attempts to rescue the cat.
Don’t cheap out on lighting. Blinky lights, spot lights, whatever. They are all good.
Always follow quarantine procedures.

Note that quarantine as a zombie-management strategy has many drawbacks. I’d have to say firearms and brain scrambling are clearly the better choice for stranger-danger zombies. Family-member zombies can be locked away. Just make sure you have sturdy doors and quality locks. Nail some 2 x 4s in front of the doorway as a finishing precaution.

If I have to tell you to pick a room without windows, well, maybe like Kim and Kanye you should just go hug one of the undead and get it over with.

Failure is not an option.

Vayyrrzznn buhhjuhnn.

(Note that the average zombie is not likely to say this: The pronounciation of the word “option” is too difficult for the average zombie.A zombie is more likely to say, “Failure is not O.K.” which is pronounced “Vayyrrzznnohh gayyy.” But both translations were provided. Zombies are not one size fits all!)

If you are wondering how to distract Mr. Zombie, remember the old maxim KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid. Mr. Zombie is a simple creature. What does he like? Brains. What should you give him? Brains. The objective is to make sure they are somebody else’s brains. It’s really that simple. Keep a tube of some form of brain mush handy. Squirt when needed.

This post may seem simplistic but the advice above is a lot cheaper than a $16.95 self-help book. Self-help sections of libraries and book stores are packed with advice, but brain frosting is really all you need. Find out what you/they want. Find a way to get what you want or provide what they want. Stay out of trouble while squirting. It’s that simple.