Sharing the World with the Undead

I voted. All I had to do was tap the screen. They will never know I have forgotten how to read. 

The ultimate test of the ability to function under pressure will be the zombie apocalypse. Do you think either of those guys is up to the challenge? I don’t. They’re both a bit too prone to the interpretive dance. Mitt and Barack will be gathering intelligence and interpreting the facts while Cleveland is turning into a smorgasbord.

The key to stairs is to use the railing.

Duhhgeed dairzzz uhzzoozze duhhrrrlllihnn.

The weird thing is — there is no zombie Monday. No zombie Friday. The undead are oblivious to the day or date. They are oblivious to the presence or absence of morning coffee. This is the proverbial no-brainer, but it’s worth taking a few moments to contemplate how many little details go into our operational definition of a normal human. By recognizing the boxes we live in, we can begin to identify people who are stepping outside the boxes, who may be going over even as they shamble away from the chocolate chip cookies.

You can’t have Sherlock Holmes without Dr. Watson.

Oohhgguuhnnndd uhvzzhhehrlugg uhllmzz idahhddurr ahhdzuhhn.

Is it thin because we are making it thin? Or do we simply feel the change? We might easily attribute the feeling to the coming of winter, All Saints Day or All Souls Day, The Day of the Dead, or other rituals that surround us, some as simple as the changing of the clock.

But perhaps, al fin y al cabo, at the end of the day —

This is simply a thin time. That other world across the veil may be moving closer.

Tired of posting tonight but in this time of people confused by gas pumps that don’t magically spout gas in the absence of electricity, I think maybe I have to say this: That flashlight? You need batteries for it. If you wait until the dead are on your doorstep, there won’t be any batteries left in Walgreens. Like water, batteries will fly off the shelves when the crisis is upon us. Do yourself a favor and stick some in the cupboard now.

For one thing, that ‘let’s go to the mall to escape the zombies’ plan? It sucks. Large malls and department stores look like a potential feast to the brain dead. Let’s go to Walgreens may be even worse. What happens if some dude waiting (and waiting and waiting and waiting) in Walgreens happens to die and reanimates? Where is this more likely than a pharmacy? Probably only in a hospital.

If you have to be told to avoid hospitals… Forget this whole blog. You have no chance for survival. Just enjoy your remaining time. Eat, drink and be merry. Survival may be overrated anyway.

Every so often, it’s good to slow down. Stop. Take a moment to meditate. Be mindful. Ask yourself: What’s distracting me from my purpose?

Because the zombies in your mind can keep you from preparing for the zombies coming down the road. While you think about next week’s responsibilities, that well is going undug. A full bathtub only lasts so long.

Where is my sock monkey?

You don’t just want a well. You want a well with a handy bucket (Or at least a well with a hand pump.) located in a defensible position. This leads to the natural question: Shall I just ignore local ordinances or do I need a vacation place? It’s a tough question. It’s hard to secretly dig a well, even if that might be a natural first pick if you live in an area that’s naturally safer than most. You might pretend to be putting in geothermal heating. In these ecologically green times, I suspect a lot of people would just nod in approval. “Ah, so you are digging an extremely deep hole in order to save energy. Great idea.” Then when a bunch of water is found at the bottom of the hole, you just tell everyone that the project has run into unexpected construction problems and you are waiting for your contractor to return to fix the situation. Anyone who has remodeled knows that can take months. After a few months, just bitch vociferously. Your neighbors will all feel sorry for you while you enjoy your new well.

Most of us don’t live in a safe place, though. In Illinois and lower Wisconsin, there’s little in the natural terrain to keep the zombies from just spilling out across the plains. Inhabitants of those areas should begin scouting out defensible vacation cottages, preferably those that already have wells.