All posts by Mississippi Maxie

I don’t really miss the internet. Ahhhduhnn ihlih iszz duhh nuhtt.

The survivors of this century’s apocalypse will look at this wall and will realize that some prescient soul from our time predicted the end of their world. A few hardy believers will promptly start putting away food and water to prepare for the Simian Virus that is about to wipe out humankind. In our way,… Read More

Protozombies need support too. Compliment their dog. Let them know you support them, at least as long as they’re not slurry and shuffly. We all may be slurry and shuffly someday. P.S. If you encounter these people in a bar, you should let a little of the slurry and shuffly go, too. Any couple walking… Read More

At least I no longer need my Prozac. Ahhhllihhdd ahhnn luhnger needum bahzzahhgg.

Zombies eat brains. O.K., but we need to ask ourselves another question: What don’t zombies eat? What CAN’T zombies eat? Onions are bad for dogs. This might naturally lead us to a related question: How much onion does it take to poison a zombie? This could be lots of fun. The idea is to force… Read More

Zombie defense scheme: We lay piles of brains at the base of this and other similar structures and then fire small rockets at the rock above, toppling the rock and crushing the gobbling zombies below. Some of you are no doubt about to suggest that we simply put the brains in a hole and capture… Read More

I ate my dentist. It was a mistake. Ahhhdddmuhhdduhndzzz. Duhhzzzahmm dayyke.

So you have to flee and you have to flee fast. In the worst case,  you will need to abandon all your possessions, but with some forethought you may be able to avoid going out emptyhanded.  The above pink case is simply a mistake. You want to keep a phone in case the phones keep… Read More

Notice this young man taking his pulse. Especially at his age, this action ought to raise all sorts of red flags. What does he know that you don’t? Is he worried that he no longer has a pulse? Is he expecting that pulse to stop? I would give him the benefit of the doubt, of… Read More

My favorite condiments is lard. Mahhvvrihht gahndmuhnndzzz ahhrdd.