You want an excuse to retire?
Zombies!
Every time you walk into a crowd, you take a chance. Every time you walk into your office, you take a chance. You never know who may be walking into a cubicle down the hall. At what point does Joe cease to be Joe? While this last may be an interesting academic question, some questions are better left unanswered. And you are better off avoiding the office, where microbes may even now be swirling through Joe’s thickening blood.
If you have to go into the office, I suggest you reframe the usual morning questions. You want to force coworkers to talk. “How are you?” won’t do, since a grunt makes a perfectly reasonable and often accurate response to this question. Try, “How bald do you think Donald Trump is under that weird hair?” or some cheery political question such as “What should we do if President Obama is really a Kenyan, Islamic terrorist?” These questions require a verbal response that should reassure you as to the humanity of your coworkers. With luck, they will also send coworkers scurrying off to their cubicles, leaving you to work in peace. That last question should empty the room. If it doesn’t, you may want to think about changing jobs.
