Sharing the World with the Undead

Zombie Phrase for the Day: You can eat the wax paper.

Ooohhhhhg aaahhhhhddd eeed duhhh aaaaahggzz aaaayyyyehrr.

Look at the picture, reader. Were those real humans? Are those real humans? The most normal looking human in the below picture is definitely the guy in the portrait.

That Arizona recount? No one would trust that recount whose brain cells were still remotely functional. And the idea that a former President might be reinstated based on random unsupervised recounts? Right.

Zombies! Zombies explain everything — at least most of what happened right before and after the last presidential election. Some of the participants in the post-election swarming still seem able to speak, but can they reason? Do they make sense? The fraudit can’t be the result of normal human thought processes.

If the current political situation seems incomprehensible, reader, consider the idea of viral amplification of a zombie virus. Does the jigsaw of our political landscape fit together better now? That virus explains many of the true believers, those mensuits and womensuits who can no longer believe in what they read, hear or see.

Zombie Phrase for the Day: Mike Pence has been one of ours for years.

Myyyyyyy Behhhdd ahhhh biiiihhhhdd uhhhdd uhhb ahhhr bohhhr deerrr.

Zombie phrase of the day: I miss real tech support.

Ahhhhhbihhth beeel dehhggg zzzuhhbohrrddd.

Your mind will go where your body takes it. If you tap the “Words with Friends” icon on the phone, you will begin spelling. If you tap Starbucks, you may find yourself in the car headed down the road toward a soy latte and croissant. We tend to ignore or discount our body’s part in our lives, but the habit of picking up a phone can lead us astray in seconds.

But bodies can also help us. Sour or sad mood? Try standing up tall and smiling. Weirdly. the right posture can fix a bad mood. So can baubles and trinkets, whether earrings or Imperial military decorations. Sometimes we simply have to fake it until we make it.

Wear the spiffy hat. Feel the spiffy hat. Be the spiffy hat.

And put the phone down for awhile in favor of larger screens — or even the great outdoors.

Zombie phrase for the day: I can see the truth. I am having trouble articulating it.

Ahhhh gahhh dee daahh duurhhhd. Ayybb abbigg dubbah ahhdihhgubaydtid iddd.

MICROSOFT NEWS POLL

How often do you talk to your spouse / romantic partner about finances and money?

Not often at all 10%

Very often 30%

Somewhat often 30%

Not that often 10%

Other / Does not apply 20%

Sometimes I read and click on the dumbest damn polls. Let’s start with the differences between categories. Who defines often? Obviously the reader who must decide between “not often at all” and “not that often.” But I can sort these from high to low, I believe. They ought to have done that for the readers — start high and go low or vice versa. Still, I don’t care and I can tell they don’t care either.

The Big Question: Who are the 20% of respondents who fall into “Other/Does not apply”? Naturally, we might assume these people are partner-free at the moment, a state otherwise known as “single.” After all, how can a person not discuss money with their partner? I am betting money works its way into the discussion and “applies” somewhere for almost all couples.

Still, I immediately had to consider the question of people with partners who might not talk to their partners about finances. Some possible reasons for this seemingly inexplicable response:

1. We never use money because we only use little plastic rectangles.
2. We live in the woods of Oregon and operate on the barter system.
3. My spouse is nonverbal.
4. We talk about money ALL the time but you did not include that category.
5. We are spiritually advanced and have evolved beyond the need to reflect upon money, as we simply ignore those letters from the Infernal Revenue Service.
6. My spouse has taken a vow of silence.
7. My spouse became lost on an expedition down the Amazon River, although we are still holding out hope she will return.
8. We are too busy playing “Doom Eternal” to worry about money. We barely have time to eat.
9. I don’t actually read those polls before I click.
10. We are too busy talking about season two of “The Mandalorian.”

If the “other” category had garnered 10% of the vote, I might have moved past this poorly worded poll without a moment’s thought. The universe has plenty of inexplicable, weird behavior that I don’t need to think about. But 20% of the vote is a full one in five. That might just be many people currently not in a relationship – but it might also mask hundreds of thousands of intriguing relationship stories that we will never hear.

I want to know when that woman gets back from the Amazon, dammit.

Polls are such a tease. This relationship/money discussion topic could produce results worth reading. Instead, it seems Microsoft has found another marginally useful way to make a little extra money.

Here’s another question for anyone who clicks on these polls: What are the actual odds that the results would come back 10/30/30/10/20? Wouldn’t 11/29/27/13/20 seem much more likely? All those zeroes at the end are highly suspicious in my view. Not only does Microsoft seem to be making up substandard polling questions and responses, the math looks… extremely unlikely.

Sigh.

Zombie phrase for the day: I am not a victim. I am a badass.

Ahhhhhbbb daahhd ahhbigdumb. Ahhhbbb ahhh baadsshhhzh.

Time to pull back from the edge everyone. The drama of this November is beginning to remind me of “Wolf in the Fold,” the Star Trek TOS Scotty episode where the spirit of Jack the Ripper makes his way from Rigel IV to Argelius, a friendly planet whose streets are coated with dry ice. In the guise of a bureaucrat, Jack embarks on a serial murder spree.

• 

• 

Reader, welcome to the planet Argelius II, otherwise known as Earth, a place where at least some of us seem to believe that the late Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chávez had the foresight to prepare to overthrow the President from the grave. While many details of the plot have been exposed, one important fact has been ignored by the mainstream media: the true culprit is Jack the Ripper. He probably took over the body of the 90 year-old George Soros (such an odd choice), now alleged to have been arrested for election interference.

Fortunately, George broke out of jail by using the manual override on the locking mechanism of his prison cell. That’s the cover story anyway. No one wants to admit the system’s complete failure to charge George for his part in this dastardly conspiracy. The alleged manhunt for George is serving to distract us from the real attack.

You heard it here first; Jack the Ripper, in the guise of billionaire liberal George Soros, vaporized the whole state of Pennsylvania. Facebook is even now attempting to replicate its Pennsylvania users in order to hide what happened. These replicants can only be detected using advanced scientific analysis, and since most conspiracy followers eschew science, no one is likely to realize that Pennsylvania is now inhabited only by Facebook Trolls. Bill Gates is going to use 5G to create an illusion of Pennsylvania in the distance, along with a series of GPS redirections that will prevent anyone from ever reaching Pennsylvania. Your only hope now will be a classic car with a map. And did you really want to go to Pennsylvania anyway?

It’s not easy to hew to a story as wild as a full-blown, unsubstantiated allegation of a vast international conspiracy to fix the election for Joe Biden, a story featuring George Soros, Antifa, the media, two companies that make voting machines, and the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chávez. Except Hugo Chávez never really existed. Hugo Rafael Chávez Frías, (1954 to 2013), President of Venezuela (1999–2013) was actually Jack the Ripper, only posing as a socialist and allying himself with the late Simón Bolívar, the South American independence hero, who was also JACK THE RIPPER.

The voting machines were a natural choice for an “entity” tired of transitioning between bodies. Like his original incarnation, Jack the Ripper, in “Wolf in the Fold,” we can assume this latest Jack wanted to live inside a network of machines, cleverly sowing fear throughout the nation as people tried to understand why the voting machines were supposed to be dangerous in the first place.

Donald Trump tweeted an early salvo: “Report: Dominion deleted 2.7 million Trump votes nationwide. Data analysis finds 221,000 Pennsylvania votes switched from President Trump to Biden. 941,000 Trump votes deleted. States using Dominion Voting Systems switched 435,000 votes from Trump to Biden.”

I loved the following: OAN’s Lilia Fifield actually made the following claim on the air, according to a clip on Mediaite: 

“‘Election systems across the country are found to have deleted millions of votes cast for President Trump,’ she said. ‘According to an ****unaudited**** (my emphasis) analysis of data obtained from Edison Research, states using Dominion Voting Systems may have switched as many as 435,000 votes from President Trump to Joe Biden, and the author also finds another 2.7 million Trump votes appear to have been deleted by Dominion including almost one million truckloads in Pennsylvania alone.'”

I bet that sucker was ****unaudited****!

The plot itself is incomprehensible, allegedly perpetrated by Germany, Cuba, China, Venezuela, “leading technology and social media companies, two voting technology firms, Biden’s campaign, and local Democratic officials, especially in cities with mostly Black voters. ‘Globalist dictators, corporations, you name it, (Sidney) Powell said. ‘Everybody is against us.'” (https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/11/giuliani-alleges-a-vast-international-conspiracy-to-steal-the-election-from-trump/) It comes down to Hugo Chávez, secret creator of the Reese’s Peanut Butter cup, as well as Smartmatic, a UK based company linked to George Soros that provided voting machines for 16 states. Hugo is also a secret partner in another company that produces voting machines, Dominion.

Sidney Powell is allegedly a lawyer who may or may not be helping the Trump campaign and Rudy Ghouliani. I suspect them both of being Jack the Ripper, my theory being that when the “entity” entered the voting machines, it was forced to fragment, and many pieces of the “entity” are now finding natural homes in conspiracy theorists and lawyers.

For those who remember “Wolf in the Fold,” the solution to our problem was provided by Captain Kirk. What did the brave cápitan do when he realized that a creature which fed on fear had taken over his ship? He asked Dr. McCoy for help.

“I’ve got some stuff that would tranquilize an active volcano,” Bones answered.

Hypo by hypo, the doctor set about destroying any fear that might feed that future version of Jack the Ripper.

You are hypo-light, you say? Or you have to go to work? Whatever your excuse, you don’t have to take the mystery hypo to avoid the conspiracy, although it’s worth watching that great moment when Sulu says, “With an armful of this stuff, I wouldn’t be afraid of a supernova.”

But maybe you want to bravely face your fear of supernovas. You do you, reader. It’s all good. Here’s my maternal advice for the day:

Let the Jack the Ripper people tweet each other. Let the voting machines communicate with each other and maybe Donald Trump in his sleep. If you happen to see Hugo Chávez or Simón Bolívar walking toward you, turn around immediately and go the other direction.

The election’s over. No one can find any ghosts in the machines. It’s time to make cheesecake. Take up belly dancing. Maybe order a jigsaw puzzle. Take your first spacewalk.

I’m pretty sure Facebook will have a functional version of Pennsylvania up and running shortly.

Zombie phrase for the day:

Don’t walk where you can’t see your feet.

Dooohhhhh dahhhh deehhhrrr doooh gahhhh deeedooohhhhr beeeet.

• Never buy a cheap mattress.

• Beware of “CHEAP” generally. If you know you are furnishing a dorm room, that $99 desk may be fine, but — MOST OF THE TIME, YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

• Nevertheless, consider thrift shops. Why spend $60 for a tall stool if $10 will do?

• Never buy a three-legged stool. Or a three-legged anything. Why do the creatures of the Earth operate on either two or four legs? Probably because three-legged creatures kept falling over while running to escape predators until they became extinct. They were so unsuccessful that we rarely uncover their skeletons. When we do, we think we are somehow missing that nonexistent fourth leg.

• Never believe the internet without fact checking. Don’t believe the internet sometimes even when the facts check out. Mystery sources are making up shit all over the place, and it’s not like they can’t make up supportive sources as well. I fondly remember when my youngest in fifth(?) grade wrote a report about the alien takeover of the U.S. government in the early 1960s. Her teacher demanded three sources. She had found one already — presumably her inspiration. Then she created two new websites. Her teacher loved it. I did too. But imagine how much material a group of dedicated, paid Russian adults can make up every day if that happens to be their purpose in life.

Enough advice for now. Too much advice at once and you’ll get overwhelmed. None of it will stick. It helps to make a quick summary of what you might want to remember, like “Watch out for cheap stuff, three-legged stools and Russian infiltrators on the internet and in thrift stores. You want to make sure the Russians don’t find the comic book first.”

Or something like that.

Maybe one last piece of advice: If you are not having any fun, QUIT.

Hugs from the Blue Room

Zombie phrase for the day: The aliens on Donald’s homeworld don’t seem to understand normal human hair color. Duhhhhdiuhhnns uhhh daahhhhdphderrr duhhhdeeeduhhderdaaah norduh oobahhhn airrrgler.

Obviously this is a phrase for advanced students of the language.

Sometimes you have to clean

CATBOXES

DEAD BUGS

WINDOW WELLS

BOYFRIENDS OR HUSBANDS

TOXIC JOBS

BELITTLING BOSSES

BORING COLLEGE MAJORS

THE BACK OF THE CLOSET

TOILETS

PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE TOILETS.

Sometimes you just have to take the scoop, broom and dustpan and go for it.

You are always one change away from a radical shift in your entire life.

Try to patronize local merchants, reader. Spend a few extra $$$. The walk-in traffic has evaporated, even with the world open again. I made a sobering left turn onto a major arterial yesterday, after picking up my grilled chicken sandwich and fries at around 5:00 PM. That turn was effortless. The traffic has picked up, but still remains nowhere near pre-pandemic levels. Where are the cars of yore? Not the Edsels, Studebakers, or Aston Martin DB5s — but the boring little boxes of 2019 that crawled nose to tail between stoplights at peak hours.

The world is quieter. Amazon trucks form a fair amount of the traffic in my neighborhood. At this time, I suggest we make it a point to patronize the little tea shop, the indie bookstore and the local smoothie outlet.

When we shop independents, we are helping to rescue dreams.

From one of Monty Python’s best songs:

“Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam

Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am

Lovely Spam! (Lovely Spam!)
Lovely Spam! (Lovely Spam!)”
Etc.

But this post is not about that Spam, although if you want to scramble a few chunks of mystery meat into your eggs, why not? I suggest you buy the reduced sodium version. One two-ounce portion of the classic meets about 1/3 of your daily sodium needs according to https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/is-spam-healthy#highly-processed. How lucky we are to live in a time when doing Spam research is so effortless.

But this post is about your mail. There’s that spam folder, along with unread, starred, sent, drafts, archive, trash, etc. Maybe you have created a few extra folders, maybe even a long column of them.

Here’s your question of the day: Do you ever look in any of those folders? As we COVID shelter or at least slow down, you might want to look at the saved mail, the ancient mail, and the drafts you’ve forgotten. Do any of you “star” mail? I have enough trouble keeping up with reading it. This might be a great day for deletions.

Here is a suggestion for today: Try to work in regular visits to spam. Yes, spam is obnoxious. I don’t want to know the porn star’s secret and I don’t need a fungus eliminator. I would never take Keto or anybody else’s unsolicited advice on weight loss. As to Buy Gold 2Day, Rock Hard and “Feminist HATE this Penis Trick,” well, I am so not their target market. Due to my fear of opening dubious communiques from the internet, I’ll never know what that feminist hates, but I can live without that knowledge.

However, I found a few pieces of useful mail in that spam folder recently. Friends can get folded into those sales pitches. I caution readers to be careful. Spam does have a knack for identifying fake emails from hacked friends — you don’t want to open anything just because you see a familiar name. But don’t ignore spam entirely.

Free Not-A-Life Coach Advice: Write on your calendar somewhere near the start of the month, “check spam folder.” It doesn’t take much time to look for misclassified mail. I would delete unwanted email at that time.

Zombie quote for the day: If only Google understood me.

Ihhhvvv ohhhdee ooohhhgooo uhhdahhhdoood beee.