Again, if you are singing your way through life, you can skip this post. Today’s advice for singers and others: Try Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Ginger. You might melt a small handful of these tasty pellets in your microwave, using this as a base for today’s hot chocolate.

There’s probably some foodie way you could pulverize the ginger, but my friends and followers know I am all about making life easy. I will never make Mary Berry’s Coffee and Walnut Battenburg or even a chocolate roulade. While I definitely favor cooked over instant pudding, if it takes more than twenty minutes to pop the thing in the oven, I am probably done.

In my version of hot chocolate, you eat the ginger pebbles with a spoon at the end.

Back to singing: Sing! Join Bruno Mars or Adele as you drive down the road. Make a joyful noise to and for yourself in the shower. Don’t necessarily erupt into song in the middle of the mall for no reason — oddly enough, spontaneous singing does raise eyebrows — but pull your music like a cloak around you.

Music makes life happier. Singing drives the blues away. Singing brings us into the present, even as it captures and creates memories. Simply, singing is fun, and more fun is good.

For any former students who might be reading this post: All that music in the classroom? It was for me as much as for you. I still enjoy most of the songs I downloaded for us. I confess, Skrillex will forever remain a mystery to me.  Reading lyrics was fun, too, even as I kept crossing songs off the possibly appropriate list. Reading lyrics remains fun.  For example,  here’s part of a recent favorite:

“Ophelia” by the Lumineers:

Ah, ah when I was younger, I, I should have known better
And I can’t feel no remorse, and you don’t feel nothing back

I, I got a new girlfriend, she feels like he’s on top
And I don’t feel no remorse, and you can’t see past my blinders

Oh, Ophelia, you’ve been on my mind girl since the flood
Oh, Ophelia, heaven help a fool who falls in love

I, I got a little paycheck, you got big plans and you gotta move
And I don’t feel nothing at all
And you can’t feel nothing small

Honey I love you, that’s all she wrote

(What the heck does all this mean, Ms. Turner asks, even as she sings along in the car.)

 

 

 

Some of us are lucky. We get the mom and/or dad we need. Maybe grandpa fills the gap when mom gets too busy with the new boyfriend, survivalist buddies, or ancestry.com. But the universe is busy dealing cards furiously and haphazardly. Maybe we get the dad who means well, rather than the dad who understands that we desperately could use ADHD medicine. Or the mom who knows she could have been a gymnastics star if she’d worked a few more hours each day, the mom who is not going to let us make the same mistake. Get back up on that beam!

Tricky place, 21^st century Earth. I strongly suspect many people find the zombie apocalypse fascinating because they want to simplify their lives, not because they want the excitement and adventure that comes with a world of the walking dead. Simplify, our minds whisper. Stories of post-apocalyptic survival may appeal because the immediacy implied in that grim scenario blocks out before and after pictures. Our pasts are often the reason we prefer to escape our present and future.

If you never revisit the past, and your past and present seem fine, perhaps it’s hot chocolate time? I’ll suggest adding coffee ice cream to this version. A coffee milkshake instead? This post is not for you.

But if the past comes at you sometimes, fists raised, here’s a place to start: Wade out of the muck. Visualize the person you needed when you were younger — your dad, your mom, your grandpa, your teacher. You can channel that invisible person. Then address the issues with your invisible friend, family member or authority figure. You know what you felt was missing when you were younger, right? Ask what was going on back then that led to your troubles. Then listen to the answers.

Maybe you will find your gremlin had the best of intentions. Maybe you won’t. Leave yourself open to the possibility the gremlin will say, “What? I never noticed.” But try to get inside your Gremlin’s head. Slap him or her up the side of the head if that helps. One good thing about invisible Gremlins, they never put up much of a fight. They tend not to come up with self-serving excuses, either.

You probably already know your answers, even if you have never articulated them. Here are your invisible-people goals:

Remember who you were.

Be who you wanted to be.

In general, unfuck yourself.

I apologize for the language, but I can’t find a clearer two words to capture this idea.

Or better yet, be yourself with a spiffy new superhero name. BatJocelyn? Maybe not. I think WompRat Jocelyn is out, too, as Wombat Woman tumbles into the total reject pile.

The Kumquat Whisperer? That name has advantages. No league of superheroes is likely to try to draft me with a name like that. Still, what will I whisper to those kumquats? Probably any damn thing I want. It’s not like the kumquats care.

I see that I am looking at this all wrong. As we know, the wand picks the wizard. After I find my superpower, my name should come naturally.

Except Befuddlement doesn’t go with any spiffy connecting, explanatory appendages. Befuddlement Babe? That should keep me out of any and all leagues of superheroes for sure.

Which might not be a bad idea. When the aliens come through the hole in the sky, I think I plan to be in the basement making Whiskey Sours. Or I will be eating pizza by a quiet, mountain lake in the middle of nowhere.

Life Coaching advice: Don’t rush to find your superhero name. You don’t want to be near any holes in the sky anyway.  I mean, let’s look at this realistically. Most of us would decide not to join the army for fear of going to Afghanistan or Some Korea. Why would we want to take on crazy Norse Gods or techno-crazed, wanna-be Nazis?

That said, you might take out a few hours to try to identify your superpowers, even if they aren’t as dramatic as turning humans to ice with your touch.  There’s not nearly as much market for making ice-humans as the media suggests anyway.  Now, top-notch bartenders, though…  They can always find a place in today’s world.

 

Are you too busy? Are you working too hard? Or are you simply overextended and overcommitted?

Only you can define too busy. Some humans never see themselves as overcommitted.  They take over the publicity for the Kitty Cat Foster Care event at the mall without a moment’s thought.  Kudos to all the people holding up our charities and coordinating our picnics, all the while going to jobs and raising children and even managing date nights with their spouses.

But I think I’ve stumbled on an event that qualifies as a warning shot across the bow of our lives. Do you have a favorite TV series you have dropped? Or one you liked but just let slip?

Now sometimes series have to go. “Father Brown” has just delivered too many disappointing episodes in the recent past.  Here’s a line from an episode guide: “Yet when a petrol can is found and the head brewer Martin claims he saw her last night before the fire, Grace is arrested by Inspector Mallory for her own father’s murder.” Of course she’s arrested! Any cop on the series at this point is clearly in early or even later stages of dementia. Extraordinarily dumb cops should at least be funny.  These guys are simply annoying. Not to mention badly dressed.

Um… back to the point. When you start dropping series you like with intriguing characters and solid plotlines, maybe it’s time to step back and examine your daily life.

Why don’t you have time for Dr. Who? Who or what is more important than Dr. Who? Why did you shelve Who?

Life coaching advice: If you journal, grab a journal. If you don’t, any piece of foolscap will do. Write down the reasons why you are missing (Good Show that I Know I Like).

Maybe you just need to do a series record on the DVR. Maybe you need Netflix. Maybe you have found other, preferred activities such as sketching. But if the reason comes down to “no time,” you should investigate why time is slipping away from you.

Time can be reclaimed — once we know where it’s hiding.

 

 

(This device enables you to be hands-free while eating your burger. You put it over your neck somehow.)

Yesterday morning, trending on Yahoo was especially entertaining.

1.       Megan Rapinoe

2.       Charlie Sheen

3.       Jessica Alba

4.       Dalia Dippolito

5.       Home Alarm Systems

6.       Background Check

7.       Taylor Swift

8.       Tupac Shakur

9.       SUV Lincoln Navigator

10.   Kylie Jenner

No wonder we need life coaches. The whole world and chunks of the universe at our fingertips, multiple search engines to take us on our journeys, and where do we travel? To visit Megan Rapinoe and Charlie Sheen?

I’ll start with the observation that that list has too many people. The only nonhuman nouns: Home alarm systems, background check and SUV Lincoln Navigator. Well, that’s cheery!

I will note that Tupac has now been deceased for over two decades — unless you are part of the O.G. crowd. Tupac Shakur O.G. or Ostensibly Gone was purported to have passed away in 1996. Not everyone believes he’s gone. I remember a former student explaining to me that Tupac’s death was a clever ploy to lay low; his honesty had netted him so many enemies that he could not continue in a public lifestyle.

He’s been laying low for quite awhile now.

Tupac’s presence at #8 is not strange. The film All Eyez on Me was released on June 16, 2017 and has made a respectable $44 million or so. I’d say Tupac is the most interesting entry on the above list, film or no film.

But I’d like to suggest my own response to the trend list. Don’t follow! Never click! I’ve been guilty of clicking myself. The next thing I know I have launched onto relationships I never knew about by people I have never heard of. Apparently WBNA superstar Sue Bird has announced she is dating Seattle Reign and USWNT star soccer player Megan Rapinoe.

I mean, I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong. But these are the minutes of my life. (Some of which I spent yesterday reviewing Tupac’s biography.) I don’t get them back. I don’t get to use a time turner necklace to reclaim my minutes so I can finish the painting in the basement instead.

EVERY CHOICE WE MAKE CARRIES OPPORTUNITY COSTS. I might have been catching up on Agents of Shield instead of reading about the unknown Megan. Obviously, I don’t want to say we should always be using our time for profound and noble purposes. But if you want to catch up on Supernatural or weed the garden, it won’t happen while you are clicking on Jessica Alba.

Do you honestly care what is happening with Jessica Alba? If you do, click away. The problem is that most of us are never more than seconds away from a search engine. Clicking/tapping becomes too easy and sometimes even automatic.

Today’s advice is simple:

1. Try to be mindful of clicks. They tend to become background noise even as we surf our minutes away.
2. Ask yourself: What could I be doing instead?
3. Try buckwheat honey in your cocoa. Put in a little less chocolate. I love this combination.

 

 

 

“When two paths open before you, take the harder one,” it says.

I’d say proverbs like this are one reason why the world needs life coaches and mental health professionals. No. Simply no. File this proverb away with “True love is truly amazing only when it’s truly true.” What?!?? Some sayings are simply silly.

This is not to say the harder path may not be the better path. I would not say NEVER take the harder path. Leap on your chance to learn Greek if that appeals to you. But don’t feel compelled to make your life hard.  What for? Life’s not complicated enough?

Ask instead: What’s the ratio of risk to reward? What’s the opportunity cost? Should I go to the beach instead? Hell, ask who put the tribbles in the quadrotriticale if that will slow you down before you leap.

“It’s hard, therefore I should do it” makes sense sometimes. The harder book will often be the better book. The harder path will tone and firm more muscles, and may possibly offer better scenery.  More intensive efforts sometimes yield higher pay-offs.

Making a culture out of “harder,” though, no doubt contributed to the fact that Americans now may have the longest, toughest work week in the civilized world, at least in terms of hours worked. A report Gallup released “showed the average time worked by full-time employees has ticked up to 46.7 hours a week, or nearly a full extra eight-hour day,” according to Jena McGregor in a September 2, 2014 article in the Washington Post. In fairness, I’ll note that some Asian countries appear to have our work hours beat. The numbers are really muddy out here when you start to look at them.

I would like to boldly assert that 46.7 hours is too damn much, though, unless you love your job. If you love that fulfilling job, 60 or more hours may be fine. For the many Americans who are working to eat and pay the mortgage, however, these hours have gotten out of hand as we buy into American versions of the Nepalese proverb.

Embracing tough options may make those options more palatable, and if the Nepalese proverb has been helping readers manage their daily lives, I don’t want to rock functional boats. Still, I do want to leave this post with a question for you:

Would you be better off on the easier path? Instead of reflexively saying, “I will work harder!” maybe you should make a T-Chart with the advantages of the harder path on one side and the disadvantages on the other.

Is it time to walk away from your harder choice? Or at least cut out a few less-fun hours? Maybe go get a mocha milkshake or a hot fudge sundae instead?

Since sitting appears to be becoming the new smoking, I recommend contemplating this issue in a recliner.

“$350 jeans are dead. $100 leggings killed them”!!

That’s what the Washington Post says anyway. I can still find those holey jeans out there, so rumors of their demise may be premature. But the fact that Walmart sells holey jeans cannot be good for those who are ripping denim at the most exalted levels. True Religion will be closing 27 stores soon, for example.

But $100 yoga pants? Are we mental? Ron Weasley might wonder, and with reason. They are yoga pants, not silver earrings. Yoga pants are only one step removed from yesterday’s bygone tights.

What, so we slap a waistband on stretchy pants and call them art?  I do like how Lululemon calls its pants, “the Holy Grail of Yoga Pants.” The Wunder Under Hi-Rise Tight Nulux 28″ runs $128 on Lululemon’s website.  That’s cheap for a Holy Grail, but pretty damn pricey for an item of clothing that clings much too tightly to the average female butt.  I’d try to sell those Nuluxes by calling them Grails, too.

For those who have all those extra hundreds laying around the house, I say wear whatever you like. It’s your money. I never had any fashion sense anyway. According to the Washington Post, all the fashionable women are wearing yoga pants.

But before you hand over your Benjamin Franklins, it might be worth asking how much we should value the Washington Post’s opinion. At the end of the yoga pants article, the Post posed a fascinating question, one which I never, ever would have thought to ask:

“You can now snort chocolate — but should you?”

No, you shouldn’t. It’s that simple. And you should not spend $128 for yoga pants unless your discretionary income is … considerable, at the very least.

Zombie phrase for the day: Yoga pants are very comfortable when you are dead.

Ooohgahhh ahnnndnzz ahhh ehhhwee guhmmmmdabuhhh ehhn ooh ahhh eehhhdd.

Are you Groot? Are you an ent? A would-be time lord? Elrond’s second cousin from Montana?

Who are you? If fantasy plays no role in your life, I confess I don’t understand you at all. In my world, Groots and Rockets make life better. We need Talosians, elves, wizards and flying dragons.  I’d love to be able to say, “Welcome to Earth!”

I am not oblivious to Independence Day scenarios, but at least for now we mostly get the world we invent in our own heads — especially if we sensibly turn off the news.

Life Coaching Tip for today: Turn off the news! Scour Rotten Tomatoes for a film you missed that’s on your must- or should-see list. Download the film. Or buy a DVD if you must. When evening rolls around, get some popcorn, candy or even a gas station slushy and relax while the G-20 go on without you. You can read a political synopsis later if you care enough.

But for today, put on your comfy slippers and slip into a good fantasy or adventure. You are what you eat. That applies to movies and television, as well as Takis and nachos. Is the news giving you indigestion? Marvel superheroes can cure your peptic discomfort.

Captain America makes my whole world better.

Who makes your world better?

 

Just for fun I offer the following haiku:

Errant Spectacles

Where are my glasses?

Ran away with shoes and keys!

They come. They go. Damn.

Speaking of magic, reader, I’d like to make an observation about yesterday’s ruminations. You had a craving. Maybe you even had a plan, a set of carefully laid-out intentions. Somehow you were thwarted. Keep in mind that without Ron’s broken wand, Gilderoy Lockhart’s memory charm would have succeeded. Sometimes a taped-up, misfiring wand is exactly what you need. Sometimes the luckiest thing that can happen is that moment when you break your wand.  Some plans should backfire.

You can’t always recognize the plans that should go awry. The U.S. divorce rate pretty much proves that. But being lucky enough to be able to say good riddance to the handsome one who rode away — that may be one of those days when your wand blasted you by mistake in just the right way at just the right time.

Reality is far too damn complicated. But one saving grace to that fact lies in broken wands and furry-tailed water goblets. Did your spell go wrong? Or were you simply meant to have a furry-tailed water goblet?

Embrace the furry goblet if that’s what you get. Set it free or change it back if you must, but don’t waste energy over the goblet you never had. Make a paradigm shift instead, and decide the best goblets have tails.

Who decides all this weird stuff anyway? Who puts value on Bruno Mars, sushi and sequels of movies created from Disney rides? You do.

That gives you enormous power to shape the universe to your liking if you can just avoid being whiny.

Zombie phrase for the day:

I am glad to be done with dental floss.

Ahhhmmm gahhhdd duhdee dunnd ihd duhhlll loahth.