Sharing the World with the Undead
Biographical Musings from the Zombie Jar
“U.S. Battling Giant Shrimp Invasion” the Yahoo title says. The link leads to “Cannibal shrimp: The invasion has begun.” One problem with preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse: If we are too preoccupied with the zombie hordes, those giant shrimp might slip right past us.
Giant shrimp in the neighborhood? Don’t trust them to eat each other. We have to eat them first. I recommend giant sushi logs, the ultimate Godzilla rolls. Our weapons of choice? Flame throwers and wasabi mustard.
The best enemy is an edible enemy, your zombie opponent would say, and in this case Mr. Zombie might be right.
Lord Voldemort was a pussy!
LAaahhh Ahhrmmmm aa a Haa guuHHHweeee!
Some zombies are easy to recognize, of course. By the time they reach the drooling stage with flecks of flesh and blood spattered across their hoodie — well, I hope you don’t need me to warn you to stay out of the way of Oozy Hoodie Zombie.
But before the final transition, a zombie may look nearly human. How do you recognize these protozombies? There ARE clues. Notice what Metta World Peace is wearing on what appears to be public television. Zombies begin getting loose on details as they transition. Want a new name? I know! I’ll call myself Metta World Peace. That’s just so much cooler than Ron Artest.
Protozombies are also clumsy. Wham! That elbow just goes flying. Being loose on details, Metta then tries to explain that he knocked that poor fellow to the floor by accident. Beware of Metta World Peace. I’d watch out for anyone who believes his story, too.
AHHatuhhhh! Oooohhiiunnnduuuh aawth awwwwwaaah?
Dammit! Who invented cats anyway?
They don’t shed. Contrast this with the cat hair everywhere here.
I’m not sure what their waste disposal method is exactly, but I’m sure there are no zombie boxes to clean.
You do not have to take them for walks or even shuffles.
If they could be trained to eat Ol’ Roy — which probably has brain matter in it, I think it’s got about everything else — we might be in business. Maybe Roy’s owner could be convinced to start a new product line — Ol’ Rot. They want brains? We give them brains. Domestication might not be far behind.
I liked the idea. It’s one way to avoid Mr. Wrong, I guess, and it should eliminate Mr. Zombie as well. Of course, Mr. Right may need a few attributes other than “least stinky” — but maybe not. Lower expectations = Fewer disappointments. I don’t think expectations can get a lot lower than the stinky t-shirt test.
adapted from http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/136354/dating_by_smell_is_the
Posted by Kiri Blakeley
I agree with John. I might add that quite obviously no one should eat meat from an animal that will not die. In the same vein as the above article, one should not kill the undead with a chainsaw. Forget the movies. Germs will be splashing everywhere, and the undead are a lot bigger than some random Amish chicken.
AwwrrGhsssa uurwaahuihhh WiiiisshUUrusus oooorn Laah!
Translation: My favorite radio commentator is Rush Limbaugh.
