All posts in June 2012

“Good idea, Chuck, but syrup won’t stop them.”

Do you recognize this quote? If so, you’re not a zombie yet anyway.

Check it out. A little Firesign Theater nostalgia bombs the blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V6z0OxuAzY

Beer goes with brains, red wine with liver. Syrup goes with everything.
Beeeuhrrgghhzz buhhrrnzz, urrrddnn ihhbberr. Zuuhhrb guh vvrihnn.

Remember the June 9th post about the semitrailer that dumped hundreds of boxes of Hungry Jack syrup bottles? Well, I still haven’t figured out what it means, but I am making progress. The vital questions we have to answer, of course, are the following: Who the hell is Jack? What exactly is he hungry for? Most importantly — what is it about that syrup and/or Jack that it made it necessary for saboteurs to destroy that truck? We know Jack is not some bit player. (After all, they named a syrup brand after him.)

The last question: Does this particular event relate directly to the zombie threat? That would seem unlikely at first glance. We are talking about sugar here, not neuron-packed protein. The cover story certainly sounds plausible. Supposedly, the incident “occurred on Thursday when the Hungry Jack driver maneuvered to avoid a car on the highway with a blown-out tire.”

As with so many seemingly unrelated events, though, we need to follow the advice given by numerous self-help books: Begin with the end in mind. What is the end result of all that syrup consumption? In some cases, especially when that syrup is frequently used as part of the traditional American breakfast, the result will be DEATH — the direct precursor to joining the ranks of the undead. Consider that, according to Livestrong.com, a fried egg generally has 90 calories, 7 g of fat and 210 mg of cholesterol, which is 70 percent of the RDA. A piece of bacon has 40 calories, 3 g of fat and 3 g of protein. The average buttermilk biscuit is 130 calories, has 6 g of fat and 15 percent of the RDA of sodium. There are 21 grams of fat in a Denny’s waffle. Syrup almost always couples with pancakes or waffles, frequently with added sausage, bacon or eggs.

If we wanted to make zombies, the breakfast syrup plan is almost perfect. 

The plot is growing thicker.

I want to meet one of the Men in Black.

Ahhnnt muhtnn vuhmmmunn bahh.

Zombie? Not zombie? The eyes have it. While we don’t know what’s going on with this fellow — perhaps he just realized that he failed to file tax returns for the last 10 years — we can see that he is experiencing genuine human emotion. At this point in time, he’s not a zombie anyway.

Of course, part of the trick of Undead Management is realizing that we were all human before we were zombies. We must train ourselves to recognize those people who are going over, those people who are crossing the line into Undeadness.

I suggest you immediately ask this fellow what’s wrong. If he starts talking about his taxes, you can get in the elevator with him. But if he can’t give you a good reason for that expression, it’s time to starting easing away or even running in the opposite direction. This is good advice whether Emoting Dude is about to become Dead Man Walking Dude or simply In Serious Need of a Shrink Dude.

The problem is simple. The recently deceased usually look as if they are sleeping. This woman may be seconds away from zombiehood. What to do?

One technique is to yell loudly. Stand near the door, ready to run, and shout: “HEY, ARE YOU AWAKE?”

If this poor woman is dead, she will most likely not respond. 

If she is not dead, she should come to consciousness quickly. Then make sure that she still has all her faculties. Immediately yell the following: “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” The response should be nearly instantaneous.

A name is not enough, however. Remember the little zombie girl in The Walking Dead as she picked up her teddy bear. One of the last things this woman will forget is probably her name. You need questions that will take her by surprise.

“WHAT’S YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?”

“WHO WAS THE PRESIDENT BEFORE EISENHOWER?”

“HOW MUCH DOES LETTUCE COST?”

Keep in mind that the current state of American education may interfere with her answers. Don’t shoot anyone just because they have no idea who Eisenhower was, for example. Just keep shouting random questions until you are sure that you are dealing with a simple example of napping, and nothing more sinister.

I tried to read “The DaVinci Code” but the print was too small.

Ahhtt ruhhddahhrruhduhhbuhnnjahggudd buhhddburryhnnddd oohzzmmll.

I tried to read “The DaVinci Code” but the print was too small.

Ahhtt ruhhddahhrruhduhhbuhnnjahggudd buhhddburryhnnddd oohzzmmll.