Sharing the World with the Undead

In the movie Robocop, Murphy and Lewis lay mired in a muddy pit at the end, both wounded. Murphy is lying on his back, trapped under fallen steel girders. As Clarence Boddicker goes in for the kill, Murphy extrudes a secret pointy spear and slices the evil Clarence’s carotid artery. Spurt, spurt. Evil is vanquished, at least for the time being. How do robotic engineers always know to include the secret pointy thing (or raygun or whatever) into their latest mandroids?

The clean-up begins, but we hardly ever film the clean-up.

Turnerdom began a quest awhile back. Sunset Grocery had put a premium honey brand on sale right after the clover honey spluttered its last farewell into a teacup. So buckwheat honey gained entrance to the tea cabinet. This led to the startling discovery that some honeys don’t taste remotely like the clover honey of my youth.

Buckwheat honey was fortunately delicious. I will warn readers to watch out for chestnut honey. I actually returned that jar.

What I like about the honey quest:

1. It’s relatively cheap. How fast do we crank through a jar or bottle of honey? For the cost of two lattes, I can get a month of deliciousness. My-Husband-Albert-Who-Sucks-at-Dieting interferes when he pours himself straight teaspoons of honey, but mostly the honey stays around for awhile.
2. Good in tea, cocoa, yogurt and many other foods. Honey works in lattes, too, although my palate does not find the coffee/honey combination tasty without a fair amount of milk in play.
3. Depending on use patterns, a person could cut down on sugar or sugar substitutes.
4. A quick treat that satisfies the sugar craving.  Honey can take the place of that piece of cheesecake. Of course, this benefit only holds if a person doesn’t start drawing lines of honey on top of the cheesecake.

Readers, when you get to SueBee section of the grocery store, why not change the cart up a bit? No offense intended to SueBee. I’ve enjoyed many bottles. But Wonder Flavor might be just a few feet away from that good old squeeze bottle. Buckwheat’s a good launch point.

Biographyjar suggestion for the day: Change the cart up a bit!

 

 

“I am not nuts. … I was right except for the mandroid thing, thank you.”  ~ Ron in Supernatural, upon learning he was right about the secret evil lurking around him.

Ron was right, but Ron got shot dead by a well-meaning, human security guard. It doesn’t matter how well you can detect demons if you let your alertness or even superpowers keep you from seeing the security guard behind you. Ron had found a way to identify demons, or mandroids  as he called them, but that did not save his life. Hubris can keep a person from knowing when to take cover.

Being right feels so satisfying we can forget to watch our backs.

Today’s slightly off-kilter life coaching advice:

Don’t be like Ron. Don’t fixate on the big stuff at the expense of all the tiny details of life. What makes you nervous in your own space? Take a few days to slow down when you are nervous. Identify the “why” behind that emotion. You can’t fix North Korea, but maybe you can manage a pesky coworker or two.

In fact, let Korea and the Mandroids go. Instead, figure out what you might do here and now to reduce your anxiety. If that involves baking cookies for a coworker and/or yourself, go get the chocolate chips. If that involves turning off the news, I support that move.

The season has changed and the floors are cold. Find your slippers. Find your happy movie.

In the between-spaces, try to identify what notches up your anxiety.

You can’t fix what you don’t see.

 

I think this might be the top of my head. I’m not quite sure. I have taken many fun photos lately. What does this picture tell us?

“She obviously has way too much time on her hands!”  is not the answer.

“She could use a bit more hair” is not the answer, either.

“Could be an alien lifeform” comes to mind.

Or “How can she be so many different sizes?”

Or “Why is she photographing little fungus people?”

Maybe, “Wow, I knew Cousin It was not the only one!”

Readers, feel free to come up with your own questions.

Here’s the actual point of this post, though: I made this picture. As we listen to the news, we should keep in mind that nowadays almost anybody can make up almost anything with enough tenacity and a few techno-chops — and I mean very few techno-chops.

My live reports from Mars will be coming as soon as my crew fixes the camera.

Wham! Wham! The candies and minutes disappear.
The app can be our friend. I love having the weather at my fingertips, for example. If not for a tap on my phone, I might’ve walked out into this 54° morning in a short, burgundy, white-striped dress with white sandals.  I looked at my phone and quickly corrected to long turquoise slacks with a black top and warm, blue sweater. Read More

Again, if you are singing your way through life, you can skip this post. Today’s advice for singers and others: Try Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Ginger. You might melt a small handful of these tasty pellets in your microwave, using this as a base for today’s hot chocolate.

There’s probably some foodie way you could pulverize the ginger, but my friends and followers know I am all about making life easy. I will never make Mary Berry’s Coffee and Walnut Battenburg or even a chocolate roulade. While I definitely favor cooked over instant pudding, if it takes more than twenty minutes to pop the thing in the oven, I am probably done.

In my version of hot chocolate, you eat the ginger pebbles with a spoon at the end.

Back to singing: Sing! Join Bruno Mars or Adele as you drive down the road. Make a joyful noise to and for yourself in the shower. Don’t necessarily erupt into song in the middle of the mall for no reason — oddly enough, spontaneous singing does raise eyebrows — but pull your music like a cloak around you.

Music makes life happier. Singing drives the blues away. Singing brings us into the present, even as it captures and creates memories. Simply, singing is fun, and more fun is good.

For any former students who might be reading this post: All that music in the classroom? It was for me as much as for you. I still enjoy most of the songs I downloaded for us. I confess, Skrillex will forever remain a mystery to me.  Reading lyrics was fun, too, even as I kept crossing songs off the possibly appropriate list. Reading lyrics remains fun.  For example,  here’s part of a recent favorite:

“Ophelia” by the Lumineers:

Ah, ah when I was younger, I, I should have known better
And I can’t feel no remorse, and you don’t feel nothing back

I, I got a new girlfriend, she feels like he’s on top
And I don’t feel no remorse, and you can’t see past my blinders

Oh, Ophelia, you’ve been on my mind girl since the flood
Oh, Ophelia, heaven help a fool who falls in love

I, I got a little paycheck, you got big plans and you gotta move
And I don’t feel nothing at all
And you can’t feel nothing small

Honey I love you, that’s all she wrote

(What the heck does all this mean, Ms. Turner asks, even as she sings along in the car.)

 

 

 

Some of us are lucky. We get the mom and/or dad we need. Maybe grandpa fills the gap when mom gets too busy with the new boyfriend, survivalist buddies, or ancestry.com. But the universe is busy dealing cards furiously and haphazardly. Maybe we get the dad who means well, rather than the dad who understands that we desperately could use ADHD medicine. Or the mom who knows she could have been a gymnastics star if she’d worked a few more hours each day, the mom who is not going to let us make the same mistake. Get back up on that beam!

Tricky place, 21^st century Earth. I strongly suspect many people find the zombie apocalypse fascinating because they want to simplify their lives, not because they want the excitement and adventure that comes with a world of the walking dead. Simplify, our minds whisper. Stories of post-apocalyptic survival may appeal because the immediacy implied in that grim scenario blocks out before and after pictures. Our pasts are often the reason we prefer to escape our present and future.

If you never revisit the past, and your past and present seem fine, perhaps it’s hot chocolate time? I’ll suggest adding coffee ice cream to this version. A coffee milkshake instead? This post is not for you.

But if the past comes at you sometimes, fists raised, here’s a place to start: Wade out of the muck. Visualize the person you needed when you were younger — your dad, your mom, your grandpa, your teacher. You can channel that invisible person. Then address the issues with your invisible friend, family member or authority figure. You know what you felt was missing when you were younger, right? Ask what was going on back then that led to your troubles. Then listen to the answers.

Maybe you will find your gremlin had the best of intentions. Maybe you won’t. Leave yourself open to the possibility the gremlin will say, “What? I never noticed.” But try to get inside your Gremlin’s head. Slap him or her up the side of the head if that helps. One good thing about invisible Gremlins, they never put up much of a fight. They tend not to come up with self-serving excuses, either.

You probably already know your answers, even if you have never articulated them. Here are your invisible-people goals:

Remember who you were.

Be who you wanted to be.

In general, unfuck yourself.

I apologize for the language, but I can’t find a clearer two words to capture this idea.

Or better yet, be yourself with a spiffy new superhero name. BatJocelyn? Maybe not. I think WompRat Jocelyn is out, too, as Wombat Woman tumbles into the total reject pile.

The Kumquat Whisperer? That name has advantages. No league of superheroes is likely to try to draft me with a name like that. Still, what will I whisper to those kumquats? Probably any damn thing I want. It’s not like the kumquats care.

I see that I am looking at this all wrong. As we know, the wand picks the wizard. After I find my superpower, my name should come naturally.

Except Befuddlement doesn’t go with any spiffy connecting, explanatory appendages. Befuddlement Babe? That should keep me out of any and all leagues of superheroes for sure.

Which might not be a bad idea. When the aliens come through the hole in the sky, I think I plan to be in the basement making Whiskey Sours. Or I will be eating pizza by a quiet, mountain lake in the middle of nowhere.

Life Coaching advice: Don’t rush to find your superhero name. You don’t want to be near any holes in the sky anyway.  I mean, let’s look at this realistically. Most of us would decide not to join the army for fear of going to Afghanistan or Some Korea. Why would we want to take on crazy Norse Gods or techno-crazed, wanna-be Nazis?

That said, you might take out a few hours to try to identify your superpowers, even if they aren’t as dramatic as turning humans to ice with your touch.  There’s not nearly as much market for making ice-humans as the media suggests anyway.  Now, top-notch bartenders, though…  They can always find a place in today’s world.

 

Are you too busy? Are you working too hard? Or are you simply overextended and overcommitted?

Only you can define too busy. Some humans never see themselves as overcommitted.  They take over the publicity for the Kitty Cat Foster Care event at the mall without a moment’s thought.  Kudos to all the people holding up our charities and coordinating our picnics, all the while going to jobs and raising children and even managing date nights with their spouses.

But I think I’ve stumbled on an event that qualifies as a warning shot across the bow of our lives. Do you have a favorite TV series you have dropped? Or one you liked but just let slip?

Now sometimes series have to go. “Father Brown” has just delivered too many disappointing episodes in the recent past.  Here’s a line from an episode guide: “Yet when a petrol can is found and the head brewer Martin claims he saw her last night before the fire, Grace is arrested by Inspector Mallory for her own father’s murder.” Of course she’s arrested! Any cop on the series at this point is clearly in early or even later stages of dementia. Extraordinarily dumb cops should at least be funny.  These guys are simply annoying. Not to mention badly dressed.

Um… back to the point. When you start dropping series you like with intriguing characters and solid plotlines, maybe it’s time to step back and examine your daily life.

Why don’t you have time for Dr. Who? Who or what is more important than Dr. Who? Why did you shelve Who?

Life coaching advice: If you journal, grab a journal. If you don’t, any piece of foolscap will do. Write down the reasons why you are missing (Good Show that I Know I Like).

Maybe you just need to do a series record on the DVR. Maybe you need Netflix. Maybe you have found other, preferred activities such as sketching. But if the reason comes down to “no time,” you should investigate why time is slipping away from you.

Time can be reclaimed — once we know where it’s hiding.

 

 

(This device enables you to be hands-free while eating your burger. You put it over your neck somehow.)

Yesterday morning, trending on Yahoo was especially entertaining.

1.       Megan Rapinoe

2.       Charlie Sheen

3.       Jessica Alba

4.       Dalia Dippolito

5.       Home Alarm Systems

6.       Background Check

7.       Taylor Swift

8.       Tupac Shakur

9.       SUV Lincoln Navigator

10.   Kylie Jenner

No wonder we need life coaches. The whole world and chunks of the universe at our fingertips, multiple search engines to take us on our journeys, and where do we travel? To visit Megan Rapinoe and Charlie Sheen?

I’ll start with the observation that that list has too many people. The only nonhuman nouns: Home alarm systems, background check and SUV Lincoln Navigator. Well, that’s cheery!

I will note that Tupac has now been deceased for over two decades — unless you are part of the O.G. crowd. Tupac Shakur O.G. or Ostensibly Gone was purported to have passed away in 1996. Not everyone believes he’s gone. I remember a former student explaining to me that Tupac’s death was a clever ploy to lay low; his honesty had netted him so many enemies that he could not continue in a public lifestyle.

He’s been laying low for quite awhile now.

Tupac’s presence at #8 is not strange. The film All Eyez on Me was released on June 16, 2017 and has made a respectable $44 million or so. I’d say Tupac is the most interesting entry on the above list, film or no film.

But I’d like to suggest my own response to the trend list. Don’t follow! Never click! I’ve been guilty of clicking myself. The next thing I know I have launched onto relationships I never knew about by people I have never heard of. Apparently WBNA superstar Sue Bird has announced she is dating Seattle Reign and USWNT star soccer player Megan Rapinoe.

I mean, I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong. But these are the minutes of my life. (Some of which I spent yesterday reviewing Tupac’s biography.) I don’t get them back. I don’t get to use a time turner necklace to reclaim my minutes so I can finish the painting in the basement instead.

EVERY CHOICE WE MAKE CARRIES OPPORTUNITY COSTS. I might have been catching up on Agents of Shield instead of reading about the unknown Megan. Obviously, I don’t want to say we should always be using our time for profound and noble purposes. But if you want to catch up on Supernatural or weed the garden, it won’t happen while you are clicking on Jessica Alba.

Do you honestly care what is happening with Jessica Alba? If you do, click away. The problem is that most of us are never more than seconds away from a search engine. Clicking/tapping becomes too easy and sometimes even automatic.

Today’s advice is simple:

1. Try to be mindful of clicks. They tend to become background noise even as we surf our minutes away.
2. Ask yourself: What could I be doing instead?
3. Try buckwheat honey in your cocoa. Put in a little less chocolate. I love this combination.