Sharing the World with the Undead

Your life follows your attention. Wherever you look, you end up going.
—Martha Beck

What does this have to do with zombies? Maybe nothing, maybe everything. Attention is tricky. We are all paying attention all the time, always when we are awake and at least sometimes while we are asleep. The question is, “What do we do with this attention?”

There’s a phrase in English: natural-born victim. What makes a natural-born victim? “She never fights back,” we say. It has become politically incorrect to suggest that anyone might ever “invite” abuse. Yet I believe that many victims set out to victimize themselves — not necessarily intending that end result. They invite the zombies into their houses.

When they should have been boarding up the windows, they were watching Bridezillas. When they should have been securing doors and fences, they were playing World of Warcraft. When they should have been laying in ammo, they were going to pick up pepperoni pizza instead.

There’s room for nutty women in lace, new leather duds in cyberworlds, and take-out food, but  sometimes all of our attention goes to these diversions, and we follow our attention. In a peacetime world, the cost to focusing on Moo Shu Pork may be trivial. But what’s a peacetime world? When does the peace end? The zombies will not declare war. The zombies will simply come.

The zombies always have the potential to be at the gate. If we want to be ready, we have to put attention on the zombies and the gate. We need to focus on the zombies, both the flesh and bone zombies and the metaphorical zombies that are shuffling toward or have shuffled past our defenses.

The problem with Game of Thrones is that all the lessons are so bleak. O.K., this is a zombie blog. Zombies are a little bleak. But Game of Thrones can stand up there with any major urban outbreak of the undead. It’s exactly that cheery — though eminently watchable and I recommend the series.

I guess one last lesson:
Just because you’ve never seen a dragon or a white walker doesn’t mean they are not out there. Who knows what sleeps in the distant, deep snows at night?

Stay inside the wall.  Make sure the wall is secure.
Zombie version of the lesson:

Stay indoors. Board up the windows.

Of course, all lessons have exceptions. Most of the dangers in life lurk outside one’s walls. If that situation changes, well, so do the rules. Rules should never been more than guidelines for a person who lives in exciting times.

Don’t take your family to court. Don’t take your girlfriend either.

Zombie Lesson:  If you have to go out, leave your family or girlfriend someplace safe (when possible.)

If you must bring your girlfriend along to provide screaming right before the commercial break, at least arm the poor wench.

Never go to court.

Lesson as applied to zombies:

Never go to the mall. This lesson comes from films. It’s probably a perfectly fine lesson once the dead are out en masse. But a more profound lesson may be adapted from the court example above.

Let me observe that people usually go to court before the hell really breaks loose. They don’t always see that some situations are natural set-ups or, if they do, they don’t appreciate the full peril of the situation. Depending on your in-laws, you may need a back door for that Thanksgiving dinner.

Anticipating situations is the key. Don’t be taken by surprise simply because you were too busy putting the brown sugar, butter and marshmallows on the yams.

I really like dragons.

Ahhhrrlee luhhggddd ahhrguhhn.

Best quote: “A man’s got to know his limitations.”

General lessons from Magnum Force:

1) Officer Friendly is not always your friend.

2) Never be Harry’s partner.

3) Before you proposition a random cop in the hallway, ask him out for coffee first. Avoid all men with bombs in their mailboxes.

Lessons applied to dealing with zombies.

1) Officer Friendly is not always your friend. This will be especially true after the apocalypse. First responders will be among the first to join the undead.

2) Don’t hang out with people who like to poke zombies with a stick, whether their name is Harry or not.

3) Umm, in desperate post-apocalyptic times rule #3 above probably has to be rescinded. Guys with guns who have experience with bombs may be just what you need. It’s a good idea to have coffee first in either universe, though.

I always shop at the Goodwill like Virg.

Ahhhwwzz ahhptt guhhhduhllllluhh biirjjj.

I always shop at the Goodwill like Virg.

Ahhhwwzz ahhptt guhhhduhllllluhh biirjjj.

One of the best movie quotes ever: “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

Do you feel lucky? That’s the question and it’s huge — whether you’re Dirty Harry’s prey or some random schmo fleeing the zombie hordes.

It’s also a much more complicated question than we might think from taking a quick pass at it. My luck is not your luck and the amount of risk we will tolerate is a highly individual characteristic. Not only do you need to know IF you feel lucky, you need to know HOW this feeling affects you. In “Dirty Harry,” Harry asks this question twice. The first guy stands down and finds out the gun was empty. He might have been able to get away. The second guy gets quite deservedly shot from close range.

When should you stand down?

With zombies, the question is simple. If you have enough ammunition, fire away and keep firing. It helps to have someone to cover you when you have to reload. If you’re short on ammo, run and save the shots for when there’s no alternative. In non-apocalypse situations, seriously consider standing down. Feeling lucky can keep humans from assessing the real downside of rolling their dice. Ask yourself, what’s the price of losing? That guy who caved before an empty gun probably spent a few years in jail at most. The other guy lost any chances of being in the sequels.

Fear clouds judgement. So does over-confidence. You have to ask yourself: Who are you? Historically, which side of the equation messed you up? If it’s fear, maybe you need to roll the dice more often. If it’s over-confidence, put the dice in your pocket and walk away. Or in blog terms, if it’s fear, maybe you need to buy a bigger gun and get ready to aim at what’s shuffling toward you. If it’s overconfidence, consider putting the axe down and putting on your running shoes instead.