Sharing the World with the Undead

I’m lost again.

Ahhmm luhhdd gihhnnn.

So many lessons to choose from here…

Don’t explore alien ships. Period.
Never take your cat into space.
Don’t cheap out on lighting when building spacecraft.
Always follow quarantine procedures.

Good advice for dealing with zombies too with a few adaptations.

Don’t explore spooky buildings. Period.
Think very carefully about attempts to rescue the cat.
Don’t cheap out on lighting. Blinky lights, spot lights, whatever. They are all good.
Always follow quarantine procedures.

Note that quarantine as a zombie-management strategy has many drawbacks. I’d have to say firearms and brain scrambling are clearly the better choice for stranger-danger zombies. Family-member zombies can be locked away. Just make sure you have sturdy doors and quality locks. Nail some 2 x 4s in front of the doorway as a finishing precaution.

If I have to tell you to pick a room without windows, well, maybe like Kim and Kanye you should just go hug one of the undead and get it over with.

Failure is not an option.

Vayyrrzznn buhhjuhnn.

(Note that the average zombie is not likely to say this: The pronounciation of the word “option” is too difficult for the average zombie.A zombie is more likely to say, “Failure is not O.K.” which is pronounced “Vayyrrzznnohh gayyy.” But both translations were provided. Zombies are not one size fits all!)

If you are wondering how to distract Mr. Zombie, remember the old maxim KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid. Mr. Zombie is a simple creature. What does he like? Brains. What should you give him? Brains. The objective is to make sure they are somebody else’s brains. It’s really that simple. Keep a tube of some form of brain mush handy. Squirt when needed.

This post may seem simplistic but the advice above is a lot cheaper than a $16.95 self-help book. Self-help sections of libraries and book stores are packed with advice, but brain frosting is really all you need. Find out what you/they want. Find a way to get what you want or provide what they want. Stay out of trouble while squirting. It’s that simple.

“Good idea, Chuck, but syrup won’t stop them.”

Do you recognize this quote? If so, you’re not a zombie yet anyway.

Check it out. A little Firesign Theater nostalgia bombs the blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V6z0OxuAzY

Beer goes with brains, red wine with liver. Syrup goes with everything.
Beeeuhrrgghhzz buhhrrnzz, urrrddnn ihhbberr. Zuuhhrb guh vvrihnn.

Remember the June 9th post about the semitrailer that dumped hundreds of boxes of Hungry Jack syrup bottles? Well, I still haven’t figured out what it means, but I am making progress. The vital questions we have to answer, of course, are the following: Who the hell is Jack? What exactly is he hungry for? Most importantly — what is it about that syrup and/or Jack that it made it necessary for saboteurs to destroy that truck? We know Jack is not some bit player. (After all, they named a syrup brand after him.)

The last question: Does this particular event relate directly to the zombie threat? That would seem unlikely at first glance. We are talking about sugar here, not neuron-packed protein. The cover story certainly sounds plausible. Supposedly, the incident “occurred on Thursday when the Hungry Jack driver maneuvered to avoid a car on the highway with a blown-out tire.”

As with so many seemingly unrelated events, though, we need to follow the advice given by numerous self-help books: Begin with the end in mind. What is the end result of all that syrup consumption? In some cases, especially when that syrup is frequently used as part of the traditional American breakfast, the result will be DEATH — the direct precursor to joining the ranks of the undead. Consider that, according to Livestrong.com, a fried egg generally has 90 calories, 7 g of fat and 210 mg of cholesterol, which is 70 percent of the RDA. A piece of bacon has 40 calories, 3 g of fat and 3 g of protein. The average buttermilk biscuit is 130 calories, has 6 g of fat and 15 percent of the RDA of sodium. There are 21 grams of fat in a Denny’s waffle. Syrup almost always couples with pancakes or waffles, frequently with added sausage, bacon or eggs.

If we wanted to make zombies, the breakfast syrup plan is almost perfect. 

The plot is growing thicker.

I want to meet one of the Men in Black.

Ahhnnt muhtnn vuhmmmunn bahh.

Zombie? Not zombie? The eyes have it. While we don’t know what’s going on with this fellow — perhaps he just realized that he failed to file tax returns for the last 10 years — we can see that he is experiencing genuine human emotion. At this point in time, he’s not a zombie anyway.

Of course, part of the trick of Undead Management is realizing that we were all human before we were zombies. We must train ourselves to recognize those people who are going over, those people who are crossing the line into Undeadness.

I suggest you immediately ask this fellow what’s wrong. If he starts talking about his taxes, you can get in the elevator with him. But if he can’t give you a good reason for that expression, it’s time to starting easing away or even running in the opposite direction. This is good advice whether Emoting Dude is about to become Dead Man Walking Dude or simply In Serious Need of a Shrink Dude.