Beer goes with brains, red wine with liver. Syrup goes with everything.
Beeeuhrrgghhzz buhhrrnzz, urrrddnn ihhbberr. Zuuhhrb guh vvrihnn.

Remember the June 9th post about the semitrailer that dumped hundreds of boxes of Hungry Jack syrup bottles? Well, I still haven’t figured out what it means, but I am making progress. The vital questions we have to answer, of course, are the following: Who the hell is Jack? What exactly is he hungry for? Most importantly — what is it about that syrup and/or Jack that it made it necessary for saboteurs to destroy that truck? We know Jack is not some bit player. (After all, they named a syrup brand after him.)

The last question: Does this particular event relate directly to the zombie threat? That would seem unlikely at first glance. We are talking about sugar here, not neuron-packed protein. The cover story certainly sounds plausible. Supposedly, the incident “occurred on Thursday when the Hungry Jack driver maneuvered to avoid a car on the highway with a blown-out tire.”

As with so many seemingly unrelated events, though, we need to follow the advice given by numerous self-help books: Begin with the end in mind. What is the end result of all that syrup consumption? In some cases, especially when that syrup is frequently used as part of the traditional American breakfast, the result will be DEATH — the direct precursor to joining the ranks of the undead. Consider that, according to Livestrong.com, a fried egg generally has 90 calories, 7 g of fat and 210 mg of cholesterol, which is 70 percent of the RDA. A piece of bacon has 40 calories, 3 g of fat and 3 g of protein. The average buttermilk biscuit is 130 calories, has 6 g of fat and 15 percent of the RDA of sodium. There are 21 grams of fat in a Denny’s waffle. Syrup almost always couples with pancakes or waffles, frequently with added sausage, bacon or eggs.

If we wanted to make zombies, the breakfast syrup plan is almost perfect. 

The plot is growing thicker.

I want to meet one of the Men in Black.

Ahhnnt muhtnn vuhmmmunn bahh.

Zombie? Not zombie? The eyes have it. While we don’t know what’s going on with this fellow — perhaps he just realized that he failed to file tax returns for the last 10 years — we can see that he is experiencing genuine human emotion. At this point in time, he’s not a zombie anyway.

Of course, part of the trick of Undead Management is realizing that we were all human before we were zombies. We must train ourselves to recognize those people who are going over, those people who are crossing the line into Undeadness.

I suggest you immediately ask this fellow what’s wrong. If he starts talking about his taxes, you can get in the elevator with him. But if he can’t give you a good reason for that expression, it’s time to starting easing away or even running in the opposite direction. This is good advice whether Emoting Dude is about to become Dead Man Walking Dude or simply In Serious Need of a Shrink Dude.

The problem is simple. The recently deceased usually look as if they are sleeping. This woman may be seconds away from zombiehood. What to do?

One technique is to yell loudly. Stand near the door, ready to run, and shout: “HEY, ARE YOU AWAKE?”

If this poor woman is dead, she will most likely not respond. 

If she is not dead, she should come to consciousness quickly. Then make sure that she still has all her faculties. Immediately yell the following: “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” The response should be nearly instantaneous.

A name is not enough, however. Remember the little zombie girl in The Walking Dead as she picked up her teddy bear. One of the last things this woman will forget is probably her name. You need questions that will take her by surprise.

“WHAT’S YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?”

“WHO WAS THE PRESIDENT BEFORE EISENHOWER?”

“HOW MUCH DOES LETTUCE COST?”

Keep in mind that the current state of American education may interfere with her answers. Don’t shoot anyone just because they have no idea who Eisenhower was, for example. Just keep shouting random questions until you are sure that you are dealing with a simple example of napping, and nothing more sinister.

I tried to read “The DaVinci Code” but the print was too small.

Ahhtt ruhhddahhrruhduhhbuhnnjahggudd buhhddburryhnnddd oohzzmmll.

I tried to read “The DaVinci Code” but the print was too small.

Ahhtt ruhhddahhrruhduhhbuhnnjahggudd buhhddburryhnnddd oohzzmmll.

I will observe that this is one of the last choices I believe I would make while sleepwalking….

Casino robbery suspect: ‘I was sleepwalking’

Winston A. Riley says he was sleepwalking at the time of the alleged robbery. (Connecticut Department of Corre …A Connecticut man accused of robbing an 81-year-old woman outside a casino at knifepoint says he was sleepwalking and has no memory of the alleged incident.


An attorney for Winston A. Riley says he will enter a “medical defense” for his client, the Norwich Bulletin reports. 27-year-old Riley was arrested back on the morning of March 18 when the elderly woman said he pulled a large knife on her and demanded her purse while the two were riding a parking garage elevator at the Mohegan Sun casino in New London.


Riley claims he was “awakened” by the woman after she fled from the elevator. Attorney Nicholas D’Amato claims to have confirmed with Riley’s family that his client has had problems with sleepwalking since he was a child.


“It is the first time we’ve encountered this,” D’Amato said. “This is a legitimate medical condition.”


However, police claim Riley confessed to the crime after he was arrested, telling them he “just wanted some money.”


D’Amato disputes that claim, pointing out that Riley is a family man with no prior criminal record.


Interestingly, the police report also notes that Riley could not recall why he had allegedly tried to rob the woman and said he became “scared and ran away” after she resisted him.


“I told the judge and prosecutor, ‘Here’s a guy who’s (27), no criminal record, married,'” D’Amato told the Bulletin. “‘Do you honestly think he woke up one morning, drove across the state and decided to rob a woman in a place full of security cameras?’ It doesn’t make sense if you think about it rationally.”