All posts in May 2012

Readers are no doubt thinking, “Now wait a minute! I can see the halberds, but nail polish remover? Why?”

Why does a dog roll in disgusting piles of compost? Can zombies actually smell brains? The research is not in yet, but it takes only seconds to dump a bottle of acetone over your hair and clothing. If you hear moaning in the distance, a quick Cutex bath may be exactly what you need. Splash! Mr. Zombie won’t smell YOUR brains anyway! It’s up to you to decide if you want to keep a bottle handy in every room, but a collection of bathroom bottles are essential.

Sometimes I miss morning coffee.

ZZuhhmmddmmnnndd bluhhvv mrrrggg vee.

My favorite instrument is the gong.

Mahhhvv rreeurr woerpoahzzz guggh.

This lovely young woman is about to go over. The blank, hostile stare of her eyes tells you all you need to know. Because she is a friend of the family, you naturally want to spare her until a cure can be found. That’s where the random, hanging Christmas lights come in.

Even zombies can’t eat what they can’t reach. The key is to immobilize the arms and legs. You need to wrap this girl up fast. Obviously you will want random, hanging Christmas lights in all your rooms. Wire, string or even yarn can be used in a pinch, but these alternatives are simply less aesthetically appealing than a good strand of blinky lights. Blinkly lights make your house warm and homey while providing a quick means to take control of the infected.

I cannot brain. I have the dumb.

Ahhggnahh braaaiinn. Ahhvvzz duhh.

Do you have a zombie infestation plan? Many people do not. Others have amazingly lame plans. Do not go to the roof, for example. Whether or not Mr. Zombie can climb stairs, staring down at hordes of the hungry undead from the safety of cedar shingles makes about as much sense as contacting your secret organization through your shoe phone. Ringggg. Ringggg. What’s for supper?

The above is a perfect example of forward-thinking home decor. No matter where you are surprised, a handy halberd awaits you. The high, bifurcated windows provide an additional deterrent.

Asgard is a real place you know.

ZZggubhbrz uhrl plahzzuh nuhhgg.

Is he or isn’t he? If his hairdresser knew for sure, he probably ate his hairdresser so that’s one test we can’t use.

I say he’s not. If he was a zombie, he would have no need to avoid the water. The undead can’t drown and they are not temperature sensitive. So his hairdresser is probably safe along with the bartender and his buddies at the party.

I have a collection of cell phones.

Ahhhhhhhvvv gahlkssuhn zeehll vuumnnn.