Microwaves are very complicated.
Mrrrravvv rrrvvvvagggmmblgugged.
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More Zombieproofing for the home
Readers are no doubt thinking, “Now wait a minute! I can see the halberds, but nail polish remover? Why?”
Why does a dog roll in disgusting piles of compost? Can zombies actually smell brains? The research is not in yet, but it takes only seconds to dump a bottle of acetone over your hair and clothing. If you hear moaning in the distance, a quick Cutex bath may be exactly what you need. Splash! Mr. Zombie won’t smell YOUR brains anyway! It’s up to you to decide if you want to keep a bottle handy in every room, but a collection of bathroom bottles are essential.
Zombie phrase for the day
Sometimes I miss morning coffee.
ZZuhhmmddmmnnndd bluhhvv mrrrggg vee.
Zombie Proofing the Home (Continued)
You can’t get to the halberds on the wall. There’s not enough time to make a lasso with the blinky strands of Christmas lights. What to do? Sometimes a muzzle will work. The right, metal magazine rack can be just what you need. Pick up the above and — Whamm!! — stick it right over Mr. Zombie’s head.
Many magazine racks fit the need here, allowing you to accessorize your home in keeping with your personal taste. Just make sure the metal pattern forms an effective muzzle. The teeth must NOT be able to come through the bars. It’s also important to remember that some zombies have very big heads so your rack must not be too narrow. Test your rack on a large, male friend to make sure you are making the right choice.
Zombie phrase for the day
My favorite instrument is the gong.
Mahhhvv rreeurr woerpoahzzz guggh.
More home decor tips
This lovely young woman is about to go over. The blank, hostile stare of her eyes tells you all you need to know. Because she is a friend of the family, you naturally want to spare her until a cure can be found. That’s where the random, hanging Christmas lights come in.
Even zombies can’t eat what they can’t reach. The key is to immobilize the arms and legs. You need to wrap this girl up fast. Obviously you will want random, hanging Christmas lights in all your rooms. Wire, string or even yarn can be used in a pinch, but these alternatives are simply less aesthetically appealing than a good strand of blinky lights. Blinkly lights make your house warm and homey while providing a quick means to take control of the infected.
Zombie Phrase for the Day
I cannot brain. I have the dumb.
Ahhggnahh braaaiinn. Ahhvvzz duhh.
Home Decor for Perilous Times
Do you have a zombie infestation plan? Many people do not. Others have amazingly lame plans. Do not go to the roof, for example. Whether or not Mr. Zombie can climb stairs, staring down at hordes of the hungry undead from the safety of cedar shingles makes about as much sense as contacting your secret organization through your shoe phone. Ringggg. Ringggg. What’s for supper?
The above is a perfect example of forward-thinking home decor. No matter where you are surprised, a handy halberd awaits you. The high, bifurcated windows provide an additional deterrent.
Zombie Phrase for the Day
Asgard is a real place you know.
ZZggubhbrz uhrl plahzzuh nuhhgg.
Zombie Recognition Dilemma
Is he or isn’t he? If his hairdresser knew for sure, he probably ate his hairdresser so that’s one test we can’t use.
I say he’s not. If he was a zombie, he would have no need to avoid the water. The undead can’t drown and they are not temperature sensitive. So his hairdresser is probably safe along with the bartender and his buddies at the party.
