Sharing the World with the Undead

So you have to flee and you have to flee fast. In the worst case,  you will need to abandon all your possessions, but with some forethought you may be able to avoid going out emptyhanded.  The above pink case is simply a mistake. You want to keep a phone in case the phones keep working for awhile. You probably don’t need sunglasses. Think about what’s essential.

You  need your hands free. A few superheroes may be able to do without hands, but the rest of us will need something to hold the gun or axe.

I recommend a lightweight backpack. Throw in prescription glasses or contacts, necessary daily medications, some nuts and calorie-dense snacks, water, a small but durable and bright flashlight (Pay up — you can’t be desperately looting Walgreens to find DD batteries!), extra thick socks, weapons, and a good, small paperback. An eyepencil and lipstick won’t add too many ounces. Put in as much water as you can comfortably carry and secure your weapons. Wear this backpack at all times.

Obviously this is a short-term escape plan only, not likely to carry you for more than a day. But that’s a day to find refuge. Keep it light. You may have to run far and fast. You don’t want to have to stop.

Notice this young man taking his pulse. Especially at his age, this action ought to raise all sorts of red flags. What does he know that you don’t? Is he worried that he no longer has a pulse? Is he expecting that pulse to stop?

I would give him the benefit of the doubt, of course. First ask him why he is taking his pulse. Watch his response time as he answers. Watch his expression. Does his explanation make sense?  If he seems confused, your next project will be to carefully lock him into your shed or cellar for a few days. Don’t let him get his teeth near you.

Many films and books deal with the problem of the zombie, but few have properly attacked the problem of the protozombie. You obviously can’t shoot this young man in the head. Maybe he really is suffering from wrist pain, helped by pressure and medical marijuana. At the same time, leaving him to wander away at this point may endanger you and your entire family.

By sequestering this possible protozombie, you can protect your loved ones from harm. If the boy in the shed becomes more lucid, rather than less lucid, over the next few days, you should be able to release him. I’d give him a good math test first, just to make sure the cognitive processes were really working.

P.S. That hole in door for inserting rats and turkey heads? Until our pulse-taker has actually gone over, I’d save the rats for later. Bratwurst and carrots and other long, round foods are the better choice to start. (A small practical note: while the absence of carrot consumption cannot be construed as proof of anything, I’d observe that eating large quantities of things like celery and carrots over the first day or two would probably be enough to convince me to unbolt the door.  Zombies do not eat carrots.)

My favorite condiments is lard.

Mahhvvrihht gahndmuhnndzzz ahhrdd.

Stout. Sturdy. And with a handy hole for rat or turkey head insertion. This is the ideal door, made of layers of thick, solid wood. Now all you need is a cellar.

My preoccupation with turkeys is becoming a problem for me.

Muhhbburrgghhbayzshuhn ihdurgeeezzzbb uhmmin ah raahllmm vveee.

I prefer to live in the moment.

Ahhbbuhr ihhb ihdda ohhhnnnt.

Turkey heads are high in fiber you know.

Duhjhrgee uuddzzzuhhr ayynn vhwayhvuhrr oohhnohh.

What became of those heads? I assume we are not breeding headless turkeys, although almost no one really knows what goes on inside poultry farms. The farmers don’t talk and the turkeys can’t talk. It’s an ideal set-up for a conspiracy.

Let’s say, for example, that the government is breeding zombies as part of a biological warfare program. How will they keep these zombies alive while they are not active in the field? This calls for a large quantity of brain matter.

What animals arrive annually at the end of November — always conspicuously missing their heads?

The headless turkey. Coincidence? Or something far more sinister?

Who is eating those turkey heads? Where do they go?

Ooozze eedihzzzz duhhrgee ehddzz? Ehhhrrrdd day gohh?

(Zombie have great trouble keeping track of the days.)