Sharing the World with the Undead

Let’s take a careful look at some song lyrics of the past:

The song is “WALK RIGHT IN” (Cannon / Woods) Gus Cannon’s Jug Stompers – 1927
The Rooftop Singers – 1963 Jimmy Smith – 1963 Jan & Dean – 1963 Also recorded by: Dr. Hook; The Brothers Four; The Ventures; José Feliciano; Trini Lopez; Lester Flatt; Janis Joplin; Jerry Lee Lewis; Billy Strange; Duane Eddy.

Walk right in,
Sit right down,
Baby let your hair hang down
Everybody’s talking ’bout a new way of walking
Do you want to lose you mind?
Walk right in, sit right down, honey let your hair hang down
Walk right in, sit right down, daddy let your mind roll on.

The question that naturally comes to mind: What happened during the zombie uprising of 1927? Obviously we won. Gus Cannon passed away in 1979 at the age of 96.

As with the Kennedy assassination and the aliens’ crash in New Mexico, we can see that a remarkable cover-up has taken place here. The complete absence of any evidence or reference to this event proves that. Gus Cannon was from Mississippi, a tantalizing clue in and of itself.

Where better to rise? And where better to stash the bodies when the crisis has been contained?

Microwaves are very complicated.

Mrrrravvv rrrvvvvagggmmblgugged.

Readers are no doubt thinking, “Now wait a minute! I can see the halberds, but nail polish remover? Why?”

Why does a dog roll in disgusting piles of compost? Can zombies actually smell brains? The research is not in yet, but it takes only seconds to dump a bottle of acetone over your hair and clothing. If you hear moaning in the distance, a quick Cutex bath may be exactly what you need. Splash! Mr. Zombie won’t smell YOUR brains anyway! It’s up to you to decide if you want to keep a bottle handy in every room, but a collection of bathroom bottles are essential.

Sometimes I miss morning coffee.

ZZuhhmmddmmnnndd bluhhvv mrrrggg vee.

My favorite instrument is the gong.

Mahhhvv rreeurr woerpoahzzz guggh.

This lovely young woman is about to go over. The blank, hostile stare of her eyes tells you all you need to know. Because she is a friend of the family, you naturally want to spare her until a cure can be found. That’s where the random, hanging Christmas lights come in.

Even zombies can’t eat what they can’t reach. The key is to immobilize the arms and legs. You need to wrap this girl up fast. Obviously you will want random, hanging Christmas lights in all your rooms. Wire, string or even yarn can be used in a pinch, but these alternatives are simply less aesthetically appealing than a good strand of blinky lights. Blinkly lights make your house warm and homey while providing a quick means to take control of the infected.

I cannot brain. I have the dumb.

Ahhggnahh braaaiinn. Ahhvvzz duhh.

Do you have a zombie infestation plan? Many people do not. Others have amazingly lame plans. Do not go to the roof, for example. Whether or not Mr. Zombie can climb stairs, staring down at hordes of the hungry undead from the safety of cedar shingles makes about as much sense as contacting your secret organization through your shoe phone. Ringggg. Ringggg. What’s for supper?

The above is a perfect example of forward-thinking home decor. No matter where you are surprised, a handy halberd awaits you. The high, bifurcated windows provide an additional deterrent.